Final Crisis wasn't THAT bad.

As promised, the conclusion of my "Crisis Trilogy" of posts, devoted to Grant Morrison's latest epic (sort of) Final Crisis. For those of you who have followed DC's universal and multiversal history for some time now, Morrison's name should sound familiar due to his being lead writer on DC's acclaimed weekly series "52." All you haters forgot about that didn't you? This was followed by Paul Dini's "Countdown" subtitle: A Train Wreck with Some 'Oooh, cool' Moments, and Kurt Busiek's "Trinity" subtitle: A Train Wreck Without any 'Oooh, cool' Moments. So, if phenomenal writers like Dini and Busiek can fall utterly hard on their asses doing a weekly series, give Grant some props for making his series work. With 52, an award-winning time-and-space-hopping run on flagship team book JLA, and Seven Soldiers a series-within a series-of-multiple series-es, errr something, shutupitwasdamngoodandyouknowit! under his belt, it seemed like DC's 52 Earths were in good hands with Morrison at the helm. Billed as the "Lord of the Rings of the DCU" (so Superman is going to wal, cry, and make seemingly homosexual advances toward his friends?) and swearing to live up to its name as the ultimate chapter in the Crisis series, Final Crisis was the most hyped story NOT dealing with zombies in recent memory. However, it seemed doomed to fail before implementation, not because of content, but because of presentation. To get the full series of events, you had to read

• Final Crisis 1-7
• DC Universe #0
• the JLA #21 tie-in issue,
• Final Crisis: Revelations 1-5
• Final Crisis: Requiem
• Final Crisis: Submit
• Final Crisis: Rage of the Red Lanterns
• Final Crisis: Resist
• Final Crisis: Rouges’ Revenge 1-3
• Final Crisis: Superman Beyond 3-D 1-2
• Final Crisis: Legion of Three Worlds 1-5 (which, four months after the series closed, is still not finished, Mr. Perez)
• Final Crisis: Secret Files
• Batman issues 682-683

Note that these are not listed in story order because you would have to be a hisorian of fictional events to even comprehend an order to these events, plus time "stops progressing in a liner fashion" (<-- yes, that is straight out of the text) at some point in the story (or . . . at ALL points of the story???) which straight up throws all conventions of the sequential storytelling medium out the window, presuming they were ever in the room in the first place. To me, this explains a lot . . . not about the story, about why while I was reading these books it felt like an alternate-reality version of myself was being kicked in the brain. The release order is also not the reading order because one issue that obviously takes place well before most of the series gets underway was actually released simultaneously with the last issue of the main book. Readers with a genius level IQ, however, should be able to keep track of characters dropping in an out of the known universe like it's a Team Fortress 2 server. Anyone else is out of luck, however, because there are no traditional editor's notes or dramatis personae recaps to let you know who is where (or when (or why.))

In true Grant Morrison style, the story plays loose with continuity. Immediately anyone who is a comics elitest and has forgotten how to enjoy a well-told story over their years of continuity-lawyering is out for blood. Orion's death, the setup for the series, is handled in three different ways in three different books by three different writers. There's an explanation for this later on, but its mainly a throw-away. The attention to detail is fantastic throughout the murder mystery portion of the book. Libra gathers his secret society to meet while the heroes are attending J'onn's funeral. The funeral itself being dealt with in an almost cursory manner gives the reader a sense that something truly terrible is brewing on the horizon. Libra's seating of choice is Metron's Mobius chair, foreshadowing events to come, and Barry Allen's return from the dead has been one of the best dealt-with resurrections in the comics medium. It isn't arbitrary and truly ties the multiple sub-plots together. When all hell does break loose in issue 3, the series truly earns the term "crisis." The appearance of another Earth's Supergirl, heroes turning on their brethren, and a full-on Flash family reunion are the high points of this issue. Also, is anyone else absolutely LOVING the Super Young Team? In issues 4 and 5, "Evil Wins" as promised. Morrison has always been a "big picture" writer and he's been nailing this spot-on. However, I feel by this point, he's dropping a lot of details. Anti-life takes hold, the heroes set up "watchtowers" as last bastions of free people, but how did they get there? Especially the ones who aren't metahuman? There's a story there. How did Iris get separated from the Flash Family when she was in the same room with them when Anti-Life was released? There's a story there. With Lois in the Hospital and Clark doing . . . ummm . . . ok, I don't know. Superman Beyons sucked balls. Who was publishing the planet? Who was going out and gathering information about the crisis? Some teleporters and Jimmy Olsen? Pulitzer winning headline: "Earth may be boned. Gee Willickers!" There's a (lame) story there. Also being kissed by Barry Allen apparently cures Anti-life. What? The last two issues of the series are really more of a mindfuck than anything. These are where most people get their "proof" that Final Crisis sucks. The first 5 issues were good, though. They really were. What we have here is a case of a story spiralling out of a writer's and artist's and team of artists' and an entire editorial staff's grasp. It's also a case of having what is essentially a 12-issue story crammed into 7 issues. The result is half an issue of stilted dialogue trying to explain a pseudo-science which was conceived by someone whose astral sphincter has been loosened up by years of tripping balls on drugs which were probably created by someone who was, in turn, on other, different drugs. When you can't believe something can work in the DCU, something is wrong. Batman's death is something of a hot-bed. Not the fact that he died, per se. C'mon. He's human, and no human, not even Bruce Wayne, can hotbox with Darkseid. The controversial aspect is that he shoots Darkseid . . . with a gun . . . y'know? One of those things that killed his parents? The thing that he swore off ever using? Grant, buddy, I'm sorry but I can defend you only so far. Then the last issue was just a hurry to close up shop on this mess he created. Sonny Sumo, Mister Miracle, and the Super Young Team (squee!!!) were written so well and with so much depth in the opening issues, but then are discarded as though there just wasn't enough time or space to flesh out the rest of their story. Also, Aquaman returns after five years of being unseen in the DCU. This is shown in a single panel, and then not explained. The JLA is up two and down two, and now Wonder Woman is the only one of the founding seven to never have been dead.

Now, I would say that the geniuses of the world or space aliens whose brains function differently than ours might be the target audience for this story. However, that might even be too broad. Poets T. S. Elliot and Samuel Taylor Coleridge, as well as novelist James Joyce are known for saturating their works with references that no one but the author himself is supposed to understand. *Audience voice: He reads books that ain't got pictures! I don't trust his weird commie blog no more!* This might be Morrison's Ulysses. Comprehensible to none save Grant Morrison, spitting in the face of the part of the industry that prints comics to make money. This being said, it could be considered among the biggest masterpieces of the industry. It is said that true art elicits an emotion from its audience. How many superhero romps actually make you feel something? Most of my friends hated this story. However, they still have not stopped talking about it. Every week, someone mentions something about Final Crisis. I still think about the story all the time. It felt a little like a good friend who loet me down, but it really got under my skin. That, uh, skrull thing that happened around the same time has never been brought up since, but Morrison and Final Crisis are still being argued about and rationalized well into the next round of crossovers. How many other books have nested this deeply into our consciousness? Final Crisis = masterpiece. Highly recommended.

Crisis on Infinite Earths was DC's attempt to "tidy up" their continuity, by giving the big ol' axe to a nigh silly number of alternate universes. This required merging several teams, several versions of characters, and in the case of the flying whatthefuck that is Hawkman, several histories of the same character into one Earth and one timeline. All this in an effort to simplify continuity. The definitions of both "simplify" and "continuity" must have gotten mistranslated somewhere along the line. It is also important to note that although a handful of characters got "re-boot" origin stories following CoIE (and in Superman's case, a heartfelt goodbye from the master of the graphic medium, Alan Moore) most of what is considered DC history is still DC history. Thomas and Martha Wayne do not get re-shot following every continuity reset. Post-52 DC did not bother to show Krypton exploding 52 times like some sadistic kid with a copy of Titanic and the remote control so he can rewind the part where the dude falls off the boat and hits his head off the propeller accompanied by the wilhelm scream over and over and over and shut up that shit was funny and I am in no way sorry for laughing my ass off about it. What was I talking about?

Oh, right, "Krypton go boom," "mama and dada go bye bye," and "no man to be my baby's daddy so will play-doh work?" are understood and left unsaid. Long time fans don't need to be force-fed the same stories everytime DC performs the literary equivalent of getting Mario stuck inside the bricks going for level " -1" and has to hit reset or blow into their continuity cartridge or [editor's note: metaphor taken too far. Returning to "Crisis on Finite Blogs"] . . . and I said "Wrecked 'em? (rectum) damn near killed 'em! What was I talking about again?

Right, so DC has infinite Earths, has a Crisis on them, and is reduced to one Earth. ROUND! On this one Earth, Superman dies, Hal Jordan turns evil, fans go "what the hell?" Crisis time! Zero Hour comes alons, ends the universe and then re-creates the Big Bang. It also serves as an excuse for them to do a miniseries where they number the issues backwards as a huge joke on the guy who bought those issues from a used bookstore and didn't read all the promotional material and didn't think the story made any sense and . . . oh, you guys just shut the F up!
Now we have multiple Earths. "Elseworlds" and "Hypertime" become part of the vernacular, Blue Beetle bites it (Dead Kord! Get it?) OMACS attack, Thanagar goes to war - again! (imagine George Bush with Hawk wings), the Spectre drops acid and starts killing magicians like he's the visual effects revolution, villains decide to just get along, fans go "make mine Marvel!" Guess what? Crisis Time! Infinte Crisis condensed down to one Earth, followed up by 52, re-creating the multiverse with a finite number of Earths. Guess how many! Go ahead, guess!
So now Countdown was a trainwreck, the New Gods died (some multiple times in multiple contradictory ways) Gotham went to hell (or advanced to the next circle therein) all the villains went to live on a hippie commune planet bordered on three sides by Jurassic Park's older sociopathic brother, fans went "DiDio, please sit down. This is an intervention. We know you're back on the LSD again. I know this isn't easy to hear, but we prepared these letters to read to you about how we loved the DCU who was sober and didn't piss in the bed or on the graves of the people who created these beloved characters and didn't let poor Orion die in three different books in three different ways in the same month. Also, if we see you turning Jimmy Olsen into a giant turtle again, we are no longer friends." So . . . in the paraphrased words of MC Hammer, "Stop! . . . Crisis Time!" Which brings us to the end of this rant. Join us nextt ime for "Final Crisis wasn't THAT bad."

NOT a continuation of my crisis discussion

I know I said I'd get back to that Crisis thing in due time, but I just recently returned from seeing Star Trek and I really must say I was impressed. I'll consider this a tangent from that discussion because it leans pretty heavily on Morrison-esque definitions of a Multiverse and Hypertime, so was in fact the Enterprise's version of a Crisis proper.

I really can't play the role of a snarky reviewer today because I am in no way qualified. See, I am not a Star trek fan. At all. I only begrudgingly agreed to see this movie because it got through my bias filter. Let me explain. The first time I saw a trailer, I only began paying attention halfway through. After a mere two or three short cuts to various things exploding and a pretty girl, I audibly muttered "this movie looks amazing." Then, at the end of the trailer when it blindsided me with the logo, I followed with "You have got to be shitting me." So I was on board to see a film adaptation, pre-opening day no less, of a television show that I despised because after seeing ten episodes which all involved lizards (different lizards, mind you so it was not the same episode ten times) I determined it's the biggest piece of shit the nerd community has on its altar. This is a view I am still unwilling to rescind, citing that the movie managed to take out everything that made Star Trek lame and add in new gimmicks, technologies, and something uncannily resembling acting in order to make the film appeal to non-fans.
This is the part where, I'm afraid, I shot down my own credibility. I am not a fan. For once, I go into the advance screening of of some highly-touted nerd-vana masterpiece not as the initiated backstory-logged fanboy(girl) trying to defend his(her) franchise against the onslaught of that ugly upstart known as mass appeal. I was the newcomer, confused that there were no lizards or tribbles. With no preconceived notions of what this movie needed to be or should have contained, I had the time of my life. An hour and a half after it let out, I'm still on an adrenaline high. Longtime fans can enjoy it as an admirable reboot of the series, but don't hesitate if you are asked to go to the film. Even if you don't speak "the language" it's still a remarkably fun time.

Also, during the credits, we had a geek fight. Two groups of people argued over which blew more, Deep Space 9 or Voyager. One dude hit another dude. Seriously. I've never seen an episode of either, but my vote is for whichever one had 7 of 9 in it. God, her tits were huge.