Minor problem on Earth-Six. (Not like it's a crisis or anything.)

Part one: History of a Crisis

DC Comics has a huge problem: they don't know when to admit that they fucked up. Continuity is a rather touchy subject in terms of comics fans, but when the same central set of characters is being managed by anywhere north of three dozen mix-and-match creative teams, mistakes are to be expected. Why, for instance, can't Alfred remember what Bruce had for breakfast in Detective Comics #852?

(Trick question; Batman was dead in #852.) Spoilers: do not read the previous sentence if you have not read Final Crisis 6. <-- There's Grant Morrison-esque sequential storytelling for you. Is this a fifth-week event? Because that looked like a TANGENT. (Give yourself 10 points if you got all three of those jokes.)

Back to the task at hand, continuity is going to be broken, played with, and retconned so long as shared-universe storytelling exists in any form. However, much like the President in Dr. Strangelove (and a few real people whose names I cannot think of without shuddering) DC has a tendency to go big-red-button-happy whenever things aren't going their way. The difference is DC's big red button doesn't trigger a nuke. It is simply the "shot heard round the comic store." And they have named their abomination "Crisis."
While Crisis is now synonymous with a Staples-esque easy button, creating multiverses, destroying multiverses or resetting continuity like an N64 game with a graphical glitch, originally (pre-1985) the term Crisis was used to denote the annual team-up issues between Earth 1's Justice League of America and Earth 2's Justice Society of America. The precedent for this ruling was set forth in the court of sensible storytelling and the monumental trial "Flash of Two Worlds vs. any logical pseudo-science." Now, with universe-hopping a possibility and Golden Age heroes and Silver Age heroes meeting each other (and realizing they shared similar names, costumes, villains, and storylines due to the fact that creativity doesn't exist on any numbered Earth) one story per year is in the bag. The only task they had before spitting each carbon copy crisis out of the printing press was having a (not particularly bright) six year old read the preliminary script and name it whatever he sees fit.
Examples:

• Crisis on Earth One
• Crisis on Earth Two
• Crisis on Earth Three (yep, there are more)
• Crisis on Earth A (point the way to Earth WTF, would you)
• Crisis Between Earth One and Earth Two
• The Super-Crisis that Struck Earth Two
• The Negative Crisis on Earths One-Two (did they just subtract Earths? Can we divide Earth 5 by Earth X? Find the area under the curve of Earth 2? . . . must stop . . . before . . . I make a . . . Power Girl joke.)
• Crisis on Earth X
• Crisis in Eternity
• Crisis on Earth S
• Crisis in Tomorrow (*Gasp!* It's only a day away! Err . . . so I've heard.)
• Crisis in the 30th century
• Crisis in triplicate (Documentation on this Crisis can be found in the sub-basement of your local City Hall building.)
• Crisis from Yesterday
• Crisis from Tomorrow (they already essentially reused a title with some preposition swapping)
• Crisis above Earth-1 (Snakes on a Watchtower)
• Crisis on New Genesis
• Crisis between Two Earths (another redo)
• Crisis on Apokalips
• Countdown to Crisis (not to be confused with Countdown to Infinite Crisis or Countdown to Final Crisis)
• Crisis in Limbo (Really DC? How low can you go?)
• Crisis on Earth Prime (read it, STUPID!)
• Crisis in the Thunderbolt Dimension
• Family Crisis (which should be a sitcom starring Reginald Vel Johnson)

Then everything changed in 1985, when Crisis took on a whole new meaning (and a slightly more sinister purpose in the editorial offices, which were coincidentally locaded at 666 Fifth Avenue.) But, as they say in the biz, "TO BE CONTINUED" (barring writer or artist delays)

"Wolverine" is a bigger epidemic than HIV.

Well, not really. I'm actually sure it's in pretty bad taste to even joke about life-threatening illnesses. Nonetheless, with Fox's sure-to-be-blockbuster mutant mayhem extravaganza scant days away from hitting big screens, it's foul taint is already infecting the annals of the comic book world. Wolverine's most distinguishing characteristic is his claws. In fact, when he first appeared, he was not a mutant or even meta-human at all for that matter. He was a really crazy Canadian (I guess I could have just said Canadian) who strapped on some metal claws and went out to fight the Hulk. No healing factor, just brass effing balls. To be fair, back in the day, he might have even been a match for the Hulk before Quesada insisted that Banner's better half be able to take on Deities and come out on top, but that's a rant for a different day. For now, let's stick with the claws thing. From promotional footage of the upcoming film, it has been revealed that Wade Wilson, aka Deadpool, aka the merc with a mouth will be appearing in the film, being a product of Weapon X the same as old man Logan, this seems like a sensible addition to the cast. He will be played by Ryan Reynolds, who is a decent enough actor although he may not be over-the-top enough to play this character. Reread that last phrase because it's the ONLY time you'll ever see that written about Ryan Reynolds. What doesn't make sense is that he's been shown with ($5) foot-long metal claws jutting from his hands. Not exactly the modus operandi for everyone's favorite manic mercenary, but I guess the writers felt that Wolvie's claws wouldn't be enough to carry the movie. Even the comic book world is falling victim to the spread of "Wolverine." The Ultimate Marvel universe, mere months away from annihilation, finally got itself a Black Panther. One of the fiercest hand-to-hand combatants in Marvel's stable, this guy can already kick way more ass than Bwuce Wee. He's dangerous enough the way he is, but Ultimate B.P. has got, you guessed it, claws protruding from his knuckles. We're not talking the little metal nubs the original would use to pack more powerful punches, I mean real, Logan-envy, kut-u-up claws. Add on to this the nuber of mainstream Marvel characters who have been created with built-in sharp points lately (some of whom have glowing green oh-f***-Superman-is-boned claws as shown in the new Weapon X series) and you begin to get the idea that the "comics inspiring hollywood inspiring comics inspiring hollywood inspiring repeat ad infinitum" cycle has, in fact, reached rediculous proportions. Now, I'm not pre-judging this movie, and I am not attempting to dissuade anyone from going to see it. In fact, I'm guessing it will be a rollicking good, completely comic-inaccurate, mindless action slobberknocker (thanks, J.R.) I'll be at the midnight show (possibly with a pint of Crown) shoulder-to-shoulder with my fellow nerds, probably having real fun watching this. Enjoy it, but remember if you hear someone snicker at points, chances are they have a long box full of polypropelene bagged-books that tell a much different story than this film.