Wii-tarded

After sustaining a fair amount of injuries (getting punched in the face, smashing a light fixture, rolling into someone's legs and subsequently having them fall on me, etc.) I have come to the conclusion that, although mostly marketed for children and the health-obsessed adults having a mid-life crisis the only cure for which can be ridiculous technology, the Wii is serious business. And although Wii sports gives you the opportunity to feel like you are actually bowling, boxing, golfing, et. al. in your own living room, there are several other technologies that I suggest incorporating into the Wii-mote (a word, I would like to point out that spell-check didn't pick up, meaning that presumably it is in the dictionary) thereby making it the video game equivalent of a swiss army knife.

1. Microphone compatability - With the popularity of full band and karaoke games on the rise, Wii should cash in on this fad by putting a mic into the Wii-mote. Sing while dancing, like the pop radio sensations of today. Nu-Metal stomp through some awful alternative drivel while growling lyrics about your latest heartbreak. There can even be an MTV interview mini-game.

2. Motion Senstitive foot pads - Did somebody say Wii-Brawl? Slap these suckers on your feet, and fighting games just gained a new level of intensity. Cripple any dogs or children that get in your way as you roundhouse kick your opponents into submission. Destroy lamps to death while tiger-uppercutting Bison. Local co-op gets grisly as you face off against your friend and beat the hell out of him - in person and in the game. Don't wear out your foot pads from kicking everyone's ass all the time.

3. Dance pad - With both your hands and feet in the game, imagine a 3-D Dance Dance Revolution. Flail all 4 limbs around while Asians demonstrate their superiority in the digital world. Slam dance to your hearts content with such classic dance moves as the Gorilla picking up Change and the Pizza-Boy.

4. Test Dummy - Stealth kill with the greatest of ease. Using the dummy in place of your opponents, sneak up behind it and use the cord between your Wii-mote and nunchuck as garrot wire. Stab at vital organs as if it were a dagger. Perform flawless decapitations. The possibilities are limitless.

5. Jet pack - Ever noticed how the controller set up looks exactly like the controls that prototype jet packs use? Maybe a Rocketeer game? Or an Iron Man that doesn't blow dogs?

6. Light bulb attachments - Ever want the thrill of being an air-traffic controller but without the possibility of millions of lives lost? Commit Mii-Genocide by directing a plane full of the adorable bastards right into the airport terminal.

7. Wii-Phone - It already starts with an i. It's a phone, an mp3 player, and you can control your clunky-ass games with it. Need Red Steel not to suck so bad? There's . . . uhhh . . . actually there ISN'T an app for that.

Now enjoy my 2 favorite Wii-related videos.