Let me explain this real quick. In honor of Blackest Night, DC's ultra-manic, all-summer-long crossover event which is shaping up to be the coolest in a long-ass time, I got the idea (Well, Joe and I got the idea) to do a Short blurb on eight video games based on DC's eight lantern corps. Barring laziness or a quick suicide after hours of madness pondering how to pluralize "corps" this will hopefully expand into a series covering TV series, movies, books, bands, etc. I add etc. so that if you want to see one of these lists for any other topic, comment a request and if it's something I'm well-versed in, I'll go ahead and do one up for you. Let's face it, I just love picking apart pretty much any topic.
Since video games was the discussion topic when this idea popped up, we'll start there. The rest of you media formats, be warned. I'm coming for you next.
Lantern Code:
Red - Rage
Orange - Avarice
Yellow - Fear
Green - Willpower
Blue - Hope
Indigo - Compassion
Violet - Love
Black - Death
Red Lantern: Stuntman
I am more furious at Stuntman than any game that has ever existed. This stunt-driving simulator takes the most zen like reflexes to even pass the games myriad over-the-top (of a bus full of children on fire) missions, let alone excel at them. Remember how Anakin Skywalker is the only human who can Podrace, due to his Jedi Relexes and insanely high midichlorian count? Well, that kid would be beyond fucked playing this game. OF all games for all systems I've ever owned in my life and played both on and off my medication, this is the one that has caused the most broken controllers (guitars excluded, because I smash those fuckers like Pete Townsend.) Atari published this game, obviously, to force everyone who still remembers the travesty that was E.T. to commit suicide out of frustration. Everyone else that it hits, that it gets to, is nothing more than collateral damage. (That line was stolen.)
Orange Lantern: Beautiful Katamari
BEst concept ever. Hands down. Roll up increasingly massive objects (and living things) in a sticky ball, and send it up in the sky. The first game was off-the-wall in a way that Grant Morrison, David Lynch, and The Residents could only dream of. The first game was ceaselessly fun, as was the second - We love Katamari. The series made it's Microsoft debut with Beautiful Katamari. Still fun? Absolutely! However, it felt like it shipped as a partial game. A depressing number of levels, and very little diversity in the "stuff" you're rolling up. This game has made seemingly no improvements on games of last generation's consoles. Well, DLC is available for 200 MS Points for each level ($2.50 for a single level) which is not too bad except that the DLC is only 384 kb of data. Suspicious yet? This means that the levels were already on the disc and you are paying for a key to unlock them. Lame, guys. Real lame. I can just picture the King of All Cosmos and his bulging crotch hugging the Orange power battery, yelling "MINE! MINE!! MINE!!!"
Sinestro: Fatal Frame 2: Crimson Butterfly
Let me start out by pointing out that the twin sisters who act as protagonists for this game look a lot like grown-up versions of the children from the grudge, and these are supposed to be the friendliest faces in the game. This game is creepy. This game will make you afraid of butterflies. This game outshines nearly any horror movie in existence. To make matters worse (or better) this game is far from your traditional survival horror. Your character is equipped with an antique camera that can exorcise ghosts. SO it is not an option to simply lob a grenade and hide, or outright run from the game's various grotesqueries, all the while attempting not to cry ( . . . um, which is what . . . my . . . girlfriend does, yeah, that's it! What my girlfriend does!) You actually must stand up, look 'em dead in the eye (sorta) occasionally zoom in, and snap, capturing that image on film, in your mind, and probably in your nightmaress forever. However, this is one game that's worth a couple dream therapy sessions.
Green Lantern: Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion
I was in a bar with my friend, Caesar, musing about how much game is actually packed into Lego Star Wars (about 30-40 hours for 100%, which is fantastic for a game aimed at children.) And he stopped my story dead by bringing up a game that we, for good reason, banned as a topic of discussion. Oblivion. "I've sunk 126 hours into one character. And I have two others." I anyone of you just laughed at that statement or felt sorry for him, you have obviously never played Oblivion. Those enlightened few of us simply shook our heads, completely understanding his predicament. Oblivion is huge. Massively huge. I cannot overstate how focused and full of will you must be to complete this game. I've barely scratched 10%, but I also watch Jeopardy every night and then leave before Final Jeopardy, because I think it's absurd to devote so much air time to one question. To anyone who has actually completed it, sidequests and all, email me a list of whatever concentration-enhancing herbal supplements you are taking, because I could use those in my everyday life. Also, for anyone wondering why this isn't WarCrack here, I discounted MMOs because, let's face it, they're glorified chat rooms with inventory screens.
Blue Lantern: Left 4 Dead 2 (maybe Left 5 Dead?)
I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I HOPE this game is at least the game its predecessor was. An improvement on it would be nice, but let's stick with an equal for now. Left 4 Dead was a game whose charm you really couldn't resist.The good people at Valve promised 2-year's worth of updates for a game with actually very little content, if you really think about it. One major update later, they announce a sequel. Now, I feel slighted for being forced to buy another game (which includes the entirety of the first one that I paid $60 for.) when Valve has, in the past, released most of their DLC for free. Where are all my new maps? New enemies? New weapons? Oh, you put 'em in a box? And I have to buy them? And I might as well eat my old disc like I ate my iphone 3G (sans "S") or my Giant Stride feat card? And I have to give a cookie to anyone who uderstood that last reference? Thanks, guys! Actually, I have enough faith in Valve that I will unquestioningly (aside from those last few questions) buy Left 5 Dead. However, for me to feel satisfied with the purchase and stop griping about my missing free DLC, this better be a shining golden example of how to do a multiplayer gore-fest.
Indigo Tribe: Final Fantasy X
While VII in the high point in the series for many individuals, this game did something that is very rarely accomplished in an industry so chock-full of games where you play as a nameless, faceless bad-ass who Puts bullets in the throats and knives in arseholes of any terrorist, robot, Skrull, clone, alien, fat mercenary, ninja, or zombie in their (notoriously single-minded) path. It made me care about the characters. I teared up at the ending (lovelife-killing) revalation of Tidus' state-of-being. I felt so bad for Yuna's predicament and her grim acceptance of her lot in life. I felt like I was struggling with Rikku through her fight to be accepted while having to pretend she was something she's not. I truly appreciated Wakka's mindset-broadening character change (and, even int he beginning of the game, felt an earnest desire to see that he got to his special ed classes safely.) I managed to peer behing Lulu's enormous, distracting breasts . . . and into her heart. I sympathized with Kimari for being ostracized by his species (although if I saw any Ronso larger than him, I would be getting the fuck out of Dodge.) And I felt terrible for Auron because his shoes must always be worn out . . . from kicking everyone's ass all the time! By the end of the game, or interactive movie, you feel like these characters are your friends.
Star Sapphire: Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty
If we were playing the age-old "desert island" game, I couldn't live without my girlfriend, my cat, a way to stream limitless quantities of music, a copy of House of Leaves and this game and a way to play it. In terms of fun as hell gameplay, I'm normally more of an old-school guy. However, new technologies bring new opportunities for video games to weave engrossing, well-written stories. In the case of Hideo Kojima's long-running, much-loved Metal Gear Series, gameplay and story are amalgamated so perfectly well that you sometimes feel like these games are proof that God wants us to be happy. This installment, in my mind, is the pinnacle of the series. With so many different ways to play through the game, rewards for "playing smart" (circumventing normal play mechanics by finding outside-the-box (or inside-the-literal-box) solutions to the game's various problems) hilariously funny moments, tear-jerking emotional scenes, and most importantly - rock solid gameplay that never drags and never feels contrived, I can say without the slightest hint of doubt that this is the greatest game I've ever played. I find something new every time I go through it, and I've talked to people who have solved certain puzzles in ways I've never thought of. Admittedly, the plot is convoluted. Final Crisis convoluted. House of Leaves convoluted. Mulholland Drive convoluted. It definitely would take two play-throughs to really "get" what's happening, but if you could play through this game once and just not pick it up again, you're obviously mentally deficient anyway.
Black Lantern: Duke Nuke 'Em Forever
It's dead. Get over it! Really! That being said, if you can't get the rights to that character (and why? does he have a movie coming out?) then just take the level and weapon designs, which I'm sure you have, right? If not, you must have spent like ten fucking years accidentally shoving your keyboards up each others' asses! Anyway, take your game, erase Duke and throw in one of the aforementioned faceless bad-asses and release it. Everybody needs a mondless shooter now and again. Remember Serious Sam? That was a fun game! A really fun game which starred a guy who looked and acted suspiciously like Duke Nuke Em and had seriously endless waves of enemies, insultingly easy puzzles, and huge guns which should be outlawed and their creators imprisoned. And I bought three different incarnations of that game. Seriously, 3D Realms, change your protagonist's name to Puke Toke Em, make him a drunk, stoned frat boy, give him alien weaponry and mail the beta to my house. I want blood and tits and monsters and ill-written one-liners and I WANT THEM NOW!!!
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Not an interview with Steve Albini
I'm sitting down here with Steve Rudzinski, a driving force behind Dark Mullet Cinema and 2814 productions, creator of Deadpool: The Fan Film as well as Deadpool 2: Another Fan Movie. I have exclusive rights (term translated loosely) to conduct this interview with the man behind the mask and in front of the lens, one of the most revolutionary and monolithic filmmakers of our time, Steve Roodzinnsky, errr, something. Taking a deep breath, nervous due to the fact that he is polishing a rather large sword at the time of this interview, with a wall of weapons at his back, I swallow hard and ask my first question.
A Ball Of Pop Culture With Some Arms And Feet: So, what was the impetus for making not one, but two Deadpool fan films?
Steve Rudzinski: To answer most basically, the first one has well over 100 thousand views and STILL has a good rating. VG Spoofs didn't get that many views, so I wanted to make something that would get a lot of views again. Plus with the Wolverine movie showing the general public 'Deadpool', I felt this was the best time to make another
ABOPCWSAAF : So I take it you're a pretty big fan of the character?
SR: Definitely has been my number 1 comic book character for a very long time.
ABOPCWSAAF: Do you feel that this says something about your personal levels of sanity? Also, please put down that fish.
SR: There's a little Wade Wilson in us all, an out of control whack job that just loves to have fun. But I'd say I have a little more than others.
ABOPCWSAAF: And how do you feel about Canadian film and television actors who posted their breakthrough roles on sitcoms called "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place?"
SR: I think that Ryan Reynolds guy is dreamy. And that I miss the pizza place.
ABOPCWSAAF: Certainly a loss which has created a void in many of our hearts. How do you respond to those that say you are one of, if not THE, preeminent filmmaker of our (Eastern Standard) time?
SR: I say that they're saying the truth. As more people see my art, more will agree. And then I'll make millions.
ABOPCWSAAF: Of Deadpool fan films?
SR: What else could I be referring to? We can't depend on Fox, can we? I'd say by the 5000th, we'll get Ryan Reynolds on board.
ABOPCWSAAF: And perhaps his spouse as well. Speaking of which, the question that's on everyone's mind: Scarlett Johanssen - Yes or Mega-Yes?
SR : Sadly, I can only give a yes.
ABOPCWSAAF: We turn our discussion to comics. What are your thoughts on Dick Grayson (who we know as the original Bob, Agent of Hydra who debuted in Detective Comics #38) becoming the new Deadpool Upon Wade's disintegration by Dan Didio's Omega Beams?
SR: The thing with Dick is that he was always a fantastic side kick to Wade. Was always there in the thick and thin and was the only person sometimes to tell Deadpool when he was wrong. And in Dick's own book "Bob: Agent of Hydra: The Fallen", he really came into his own as a character. So if someone COULD replace Wade Wilson as Deadpool, it's the former "Bob". That being said, the first issue of "Deadpool & Weasel" was pretty lame.
ABOPCWSAAF: I didn't realize this would degrade into blasphemy. I happen to be a fan of Morris Grantinson. [Editor's note: Within an hour of this post, Google searches for "Morris Grantinson" have increased a thousandfold] Speaking of which, what writers in any Medium influenced your writing?
SR: Stephen Chow honestly has such a fantastic ability to take a serious story and add zany characters with fantastic humor, while still retaining a very real lesson. Also, Steve Oedekirk is insanely hilarious. Sam Raimi also (at least before Spidey 3) had an uncanny ability to make his movies great fun, no matter what they were.
ABOPCWSAAF: Albeit to a rather limited audience, are there any future projects that you want to take this time to hype? Like maybe the best concept for . . . anything ever?
SR: Big Bloody Tits.
ABOPCWSAAF: Did we hear you correctly?
SR: Yes.
SR: Horror/comedy which will hopefully start filming in Spring of 2010
ABOPCWSAAF: More news on that A-bomb of a project as it becomes available, folks. Any words of advice to . . . anyone, really?
SR: Follow your dreams even if you have to give into the cold harsh reality. Also, keep it under a million and get one named actor. Slashers sell easier than anything.
ABOPCWSAAF: One final question. Everyone has their idols, of course, but there's one powerhouse of pop culture we can all agree is adored worldwide. What was it like to work with THE Derek R0th3rmund?
SR: He talked with his hands a lot. And he demanded a lot of stuff for who I consider a no name actor. Then some guy messed with the lights, so Derek just swore at the dude. But then Christan Bale showed up and swore at Derek for swearing at the DP. It was pretty awesome.
ABOPCWSAAF: I don't care what anybody says, that guy does not own the night! Fuck him! Errr . . . I'd like to thank you for sharing your time with us tonight.
SR: Absolutely, it was a pleasure to be here.
ABOPCWSAAF: I am in no way affiliated with the nobel committee, but I will see what I can do to get you the Nobel Prizes for cooperation, and . . . hilarity, and . . . nice hair.
SR: So long as I get it for hair, I'm cool.
A Ball Of Pop Culture With Some Arms And Feet: So, what was the impetus for making not one, but two Deadpool fan films?
Steve Rudzinski: To answer most basically, the first one has well over 100 thousand views and STILL has a good rating. VG Spoofs didn't get that many views, so I wanted to make something that would get a lot of views again. Plus with the Wolverine movie showing the general public 'Deadpool', I felt this was the best time to make another
ABOPCWSAAF : So I take it you're a pretty big fan of the character?
SR: Definitely has been my number 1 comic book character for a very long time.
ABOPCWSAAF: Do you feel that this says something about your personal levels of sanity? Also, please put down that fish.
SR: There's a little Wade Wilson in us all, an out of control whack job that just loves to have fun. But I'd say I have a little more than others.
ABOPCWSAAF: And how do you feel about Canadian film and television actors who posted their breakthrough roles on sitcoms called "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place?"
SR: I think that Ryan Reynolds guy is dreamy. And that I miss the pizza place.
ABOPCWSAAF: Certainly a loss which has created a void in many of our hearts. How do you respond to those that say you are one of, if not THE, preeminent filmmaker of our (Eastern Standard) time?
SR: I say that they're saying the truth. As more people see my art, more will agree. And then I'll make millions.
ABOPCWSAAF: Of Deadpool fan films?
SR: What else could I be referring to? We can't depend on Fox, can we? I'd say by the 5000th, we'll get Ryan Reynolds on board.
ABOPCWSAAF: And perhaps his spouse as well. Speaking of which, the question that's on everyone's mind: Scarlett Johanssen - Yes or Mega-Yes?
SR : Sadly, I can only give a yes.
ABOPCWSAAF: We turn our discussion to comics. What are your thoughts on Dick Grayson (who we know as the original Bob, Agent of Hydra who debuted in Detective Comics #38) becoming the new Deadpool Upon Wade's disintegration by Dan Didio's Omega Beams?
SR: The thing with Dick is that he was always a fantastic side kick to Wade. Was always there in the thick and thin and was the only person sometimes to tell Deadpool when he was wrong. And in Dick's own book "Bob: Agent of Hydra: The Fallen", he really came into his own as a character. So if someone COULD replace Wade Wilson as Deadpool, it's the former "Bob". That being said, the first issue of "Deadpool & Weasel" was pretty lame.
ABOPCWSAAF: I didn't realize this would degrade into blasphemy. I happen to be a fan of Morris Grantinson. [Editor's note: Within an hour of this post, Google searches for "Morris Grantinson" have increased a thousandfold] Speaking of which, what writers in any Medium influenced your writing?
SR: Stephen Chow honestly has such a fantastic ability to take a serious story and add zany characters with fantastic humor, while still retaining a very real lesson. Also, Steve Oedekirk is insanely hilarious. Sam Raimi also (at least before Spidey 3) had an uncanny ability to make his movies great fun, no matter what they were.
ABOPCWSAAF: Albeit to a rather limited audience, are there any future projects that you want to take this time to hype? Like maybe the best concept for . . . anything ever?
SR: Big Bloody Tits.
ABOPCWSAAF: Did we hear you correctly?
SR: Yes.
SR: Horror/comedy which will hopefully start filming in Spring of 2010
ABOPCWSAAF: More news on that A-bomb of a project as it becomes available, folks. Any words of advice to . . . anyone, really?
SR: Follow your dreams even if you have to give into the cold harsh reality. Also, keep it under a million and get one named actor. Slashers sell easier than anything.
ABOPCWSAAF: One final question. Everyone has their idols, of course, but there's one powerhouse of pop culture we can all agree is adored worldwide. What was it like to work with THE Derek R0th3rmund?
SR: He talked with his hands a lot. And he demanded a lot of stuff for who I consider a no name actor. Then some guy messed with the lights, so Derek just swore at the dude. But then Christan Bale showed up and swore at Derek for swearing at the DP. It was pretty awesome.
ABOPCWSAAF: I don't care what anybody says, that guy does not own the night! Fuck him! Errr . . . I'd like to thank you for sharing your time with us tonight.
SR: Absolutely, it was a pleasure to be here.
ABOPCWSAAF: I am in no way affiliated with the nobel committee, but I will see what I can do to get you the Nobel Prizes for cooperation, and . . . hilarity, and . . . nice hair.
SR: So long as I get it for hair, I'm cool.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Wii-tarded
After sustaining a fair amount of injuries (getting punched in the face, smashing a light fixture, rolling into someone's legs and subsequently having them fall on me, etc.) I have come to the conclusion that, although mostly marketed for children and the health-obsessed adults having a mid-life crisis the only cure for which can be ridiculous technology, the Wii is serious business. And although Wii sports gives you the opportunity to feel like you are actually bowling, boxing, golfing, et. al. in your own living room, there are several other technologies that I suggest incorporating into the Wii-mote (a word, I would like to point out that spell-check didn't pick up, meaning that presumably it is in the dictionary) thereby making it the video game equivalent of a swiss army knife.
1. Microphone compatability - With the popularity of full band and karaoke games on the rise, Wii should cash in on this fad by putting a mic into the Wii-mote. Sing while dancing, like the pop radio sensations of today. Nu-Metal stomp through some awful alternative drivel while growling lyrics about your latest heartbreak. There can even be an MTV interview mini-game.
2. Motion Senstitive foot pads - Did somebody say Wii-Brawl? Slap these suckers on your feet, and fighting games just gained a new level of intensity. Cripple any dogs or children that get in your way as you roundhouse kick your opponents into submission. Destroy lamps to death while tiger-uppercutting Bison. Local co-op gets grisly as you face off against your friend and beat the hell out of him - in person and in the game. Don't wear out your foot pads from kicking everyone's ass all the time.
3. Dance pad - With both your hands and feet in the game, imagine a 3-D Dance Dance Revolution. Flail all 4 limbs around while Asians demonstrate their superiority in the digital world. Slam dance to your hearts content with such classic dance moves as the Gorilla picking up Change and the Pizza-Boy.
4. Test Dummy - Stealth kill with the greatest of ease. Using the dummy in place of your opponents, sneak up behind it and use the cord between your Wii-mote and nunchuck as garrot wire. Stab at vital organs as if it were a dagger. Perform flawless decapitations. The possibilities are limitless.
5. Jet pack - Ever noticed how the controller set up looks exactly like the controls that prototype jet packs use? Maybe a Rocketeer game? Or an Iron Man that doesn't blow dogs?
6. Light bulb attachments - Ever want the thrill of being an air-traffic controller but without the possibility of millions of lives lost? Commit Mii-Genocide by directing a plane full of the adorable bastards right into the airport terminal.
7. Wii-Phone - It already starts with an i. It's a phone, an mp3 player, and you can control your clunky-ass games with it. Need Red Steel not to suck so bad? There's . . . uhhh . . . actually there ISN'T an app for that.
Now enjoy my 2 favorite Wii-related videos.
1. Microphone compatability - With the popularity of full band and karaoke games on the rise, Wii should cash in on this fad by putting a mic into the Wii-mote. Sing while dancing, like the pop radio sensations of today. Nu-Metal stomp through some awful alternative drivel while growling lyrics about your latest heartbreak. There can even be an MTV interview mini-game.
2. Motion Senstitive foot pads - Did somebody say Wii-Brawl? Slap these suckers on your feet, and fighting games just gained a new level of intensity. Cripple any dogs or children that get in your way as you roundhouse kick your opponents into submission. Destroy lamps to death while tiger-uppercutting Bison. Local co-op gets grisly as you face off against your friend and beat the hell out of him - in person and in the game. Don't wear out your foot pads from kicking everyone's ass all the time.
3. Dance pad - With both your hands and feet in the game, imagine a 3-D Dance Dance Revolution. Flail all 4 limbs around while Asians demonstrate their superiority in the digital world. Slam dance to your hearts content with such classic dance moves as the Gorilla picking up Change and the Pizza-Boy.
4. Test Dummy - Stealth kill with the greatest of ease. Using the dummy in place of your opponents, sneak up behind it and use the cord between your Wii-mote and nunchuck as garrot wire. Stab at vital organs as if it were a dagger. Perform flawless decapitations. The possibilities are limitless.
5. Jet pack - Ever noticed how the controller set up looks exactly like the controls that prototype jet packs use? Maybe a Rocketeer game? Or an Iron Man that doesn't blow dogs?
6. Light bulb attachments - Ever want the thrill of being an air-traffic controller but without the possibility of millions of lives lost? Commit Mii-Genocide by directing a plane full of the adorable bastards right into the airport terminal.
7. Wii-Phone - It already starts with an i. It's a phone, an mp3 player, and you can control your clunky-ass games with it. Need Red Steel not to suck so bad? There's . . . uhhh . . . actually there ISN'T an app for that.
Now enjoy my 2 favorite Wii-related videos.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Peter Milligan knows the difference between a hawk and a handsaw?
So I recently discovered a writer. Not entirely true, I've read his stuff before, but I've just never made that mental connection that he wrote all these books I have and like. His name is Peter Milligan, and he's a surrealist genius with a true ear for dialogue. Now, I did just hear you all go "Dude! Shade! Everybody knows Milligan from that." So, seriously, keep it down, I have music fucking blaring and I heard that. But, somehow, Mr. self-proclaimed connoisseur of the bizarre missed out on this love letter to insanity up to this point. I am, almost 20 years, after the series debuted, on issue 9 of the ongoing. No spoilers, please. I am also aware that his groundbreaking (and out of print) run on X-Force was particularly well-liked by fans. This is a brilliant series which made the X-Men (or X-Force and later X-Statix) into a brand-name, like Old Navy or McDonalds. I'll admit, this breaks from the long-lived convention of the world hating mutants in favor of them being a fad. But nearly everything which was at any time universally reviled was discovered and fetishized by a counter-culture somewhere along the line. Plus, dispensable mutants without particularly useful powers make for a riot of an understated action story. What really impressed me to no end, though was Rogan Gosh, published in the first six issues of Revolver magazine with art by Brendan McCarthy, a science-fiction tribute to Indian Comics, Indian food, and In . . . sanity. With the characters not knowing what is real (to them/fake to us) and what is fake (to them and us.) 4th wall breaking abounds and the two main characters might be one and the same (or not, depending on your interpretation.) He also penned Vertigo's re-imagining of Human Target and Weird Western Tales (which lives up to its name) as well as bringing a refreshing mix of of heart and genuine talent to more mainstream titles like Detective comics, X-Men, JLA Classified, Elektra and Spider-Man's Tangled Web. I know today's installment was low on jokes, but that's because I'm so utterly in awe of the man's brilliance. I did just fart though, if that makes it better.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Final Crisis wasn't THAT bad.
As promised, the conclusion of my "Crisis Trilogy" of posts, devoted to Grant Morrison's latest epic (sort of) Final Crisis. For those of you who have followed DC's universal and multiversal history for some time now, Morrison's name should sound familiar due to his being lead writer on DC's acclaimed weekly series "52." All you haters forgot about that didn't you? This was followed by Paul Dini's "Countdown" subtitle: A Train Wreck with Some 'Oooh, cool' Moments, and Kurt Busiek's "Trinity" subtitle: A Train Wreck Without any 'Oooh, cool' Moments. So, if phenomenal writers like Dini and Busiek can fall utterly hard on their asses doing a weekly series, give Grant some props for making his series work. With 52, an award-winning time-and-space-hopping run on flagship team book JLA, and Seven Soldiers a series-within a series-of-multiple series-es, errr something, shutupitwasdamngoodandyouknowit! under his belt, it seemed like DC's 52 Earths were in good hands with Morrison at the helm. Billed as the "Lord of the Rings of the DCU" (so Superman is going to wal, cry, and make seemingly homosexual advances toward his friends?) and swearing to live up to its name as the ultimate chapter in the Crisis series, Final Crisis was the most hyped story NOT dealing with zombies in recent memory. However, it seemed doomed to fail before implementation, not because of content, but because of presentation. To get the full series of events, you had to read
In true Grant Morrison style, the story plays loose with continuity. Immediately anyone who is a comics elitest and has forgotten how to enjoy a well-told story over their years of continuity-lawyering is out for blood. Orion's death, the setup for the series, is handled in three different ways in three different books by three different writers. There's an explanation for this later on, but its mainly a throw-away. The attention to detail is fantastic throughout the murder mystery portion of the book. Libra gathers his secret society to meet while the heroes are attending J'onn's funeral. The funeral itself being dealt with in an almost cursory manner gives the reader a sense that something truly terrible is brewing on the horizon. Libra's seating of choice is Metron's Mobius chair, foreshadowing events to come, and Barry Allen's return from the dead has been one of the best dealt-with resurrections in the comics medium. It isn't arbitrary and truly ties the multiple sub-plots together. When all hell does break loose in issue 3, the series truly earns the term "crisis." The appearance of another Earth's Supergirl, heroes turning on their brethren, and a full-on Flash family reunion are the high points of this issue. Also, is anyone else absolutely LOVING the Super Young Team? In issues 4 and 5, "Evil Wins" as promised. Morrison has always been a "big picture" writer and he's been nailing this spot-on. However, I feel by this point, he's dropping a lot of details. Anti-life takes hold, the heroes set up "watchtowers" as last bastions of free people, but how did they get there? Especially the ones who aren't metahuman? There's a story there. How did Iris get separated from the Flash Family when she was in the same room with them when Anti-Life was released? There's a story there. With Lois in the Hospital and Clark doing . . . ummm . . . ok, I don't know. Superman Beyons sucked balls. Who was publishing the planet? Who was going out and gathering information about the crisis? Some teleporters and Jimmy Olsen? Pulitzer winning headline: "Earth may be boned. Gee Willickers!" There's a (lame) story there. Also being kissed by Barry Allen apparently cures Anti-life. What? The last two issues of the series are really more of a mindfuck than anything. These are where most people get their "proof" that Final Crisis sucks. The first 5 issues were good, though. They really were. What we have here is a case of a story spiralling out of a writer's and artist's and team of artists' and an entire editorial staff's grasp. It's also a case of having what is essentially a 12-issue story crammed into 7 issues. The result is half an issue of stilted dialogue trying to explain a pseudo-science which was conceived by someone whose astral sphincter has been loosened up by years of tripping balls on drugs which were probably created by someone who was, in turn, on other, different drugs. When you can't believe something can work in the DCU, something is wrong. Batman's death is something of a hot-bed. Not the fact that he died, per se. C'mon. He's human, and no human, not even Bruce Wayne, can hotbox with Darkseid. The controversial aspect is that he shoots Darkseid . . . with a gun . . . y'know? One of those things that killed his parents? The thing that he swore off ever using? Grant, buddy, I'm sorry but I can defend you only so far. Then the last issue was just a hurry to close up shop on this mess he created. Sonny Sumo, Mister Miracle, and the Super Young Team (squee!!!) were written so well and with so much depth in the opening issues, but then are discarded as though there just wasn't enough time or space to flesh out the rest of their story. Also, Aquaman returns after five years of being unseen in the DCU. This is shown in a single panel, and then not explained. The JLA is up two and down two, and now Wonder Woman is the only one of the founding seven to never have been dead.
Now, I would say that the geniuses of the world or space aliens whose brains function differently than ours might be the target audience for this story. However, that might even be too broad. Poets T. S. Elliot and Samuel Taylor Coleridge, as well as novelist James Joyce are known for saturating their works with references that no one but the author himself is supposed to understand. *Audience voice: He reads books that ain't got pictures! I don't trust his weird commie blog no more!* This might be Morrison's Ulysses. Comprehensible to none save Grant Morrison, spitting in the face of the part of the industry that prints comics to make money. This being said, it could be considered among the biggest masterpieces of the industry. It is said that true art elicits an emotion from its audience. How many superhero romps actually make you feel something? Most of my friends hated this story. However, they still have not stopped talking about it. Every week, someone mentions something about Final Crisis. I still think about the story all the time. It felt a little like a good friend who loet me down, but it really got under my skin. That, uh, skrull thing that happened around the same time has never been brought up since, but Morrison and Final Crisis are still being argued about and rationalized well into the next round of crossovers. How many other books have nested this deeply into our consciousness? Final Crisis = masterpiece. Highly recommended.
- Final Crisis 1-7
- DC Universe #0
- the JLA #21 tie-in issue,
- Final Crisis: Revelations 1-5
- Final Crisis: Requiem
- Final Crisis: Submit
- Final Crisis: Rage of the Red Lanterns
- Final Crisis: Resist
- Final Crisis: Rouges’ Revenge 1-3
- Final Crisis: Superman Beyond 3-D 1-2
- Final Crisis: Legion of Three Worlds 1-5 (which, four months after the series closed, is still not finished, Mr. Perez)
- Final Crisis: Secret Files
- Batman issues 682-683
In true Grant Morrison style, the story plays loose with continuity. Immediately anyone who is a comics elitest and has forgotten how to enjoy a well-told story over their years of continuity-lawyering is out for blood. Orion's death, the setup for the series, is handled in three different ways in three different books by three different writers. There's an explanation for this later on, but its mainly a throw-away. The attention to detail is fantastic throughout the murder mystery portion of the book. Libra gathers his secret society to meet while the heroes are attending J'onn's funeral. The funeral itself being dealt with in an almost cursory manner gives the reader a sense that something truly terrible is brewing on the horizon. Libra's seating of choice is Metron's Mobius chair, foreshadowing events to come, and Barry Allen's return from the dead has been one of the best dealt-with resurrections in the comics medium. It isn't arbitrary and truly ties the multiple sub-plots together. When all hell does break loose in issue 3, the series truly earns the term "crisis." The appearance of another Earth's Supergirl, heroes turning on their brethren, and a full-on Flash family reunion are the high points of this issue. Also, is anyone else absolutely LOVING the Super Young Team? In issues 4 and 5, "Evil Wins" as promised. Morrison has always been a "big picture" writer and he's been nailing this spot-on. However, I feel by this point, he's dropping a lot of details. Anti-life takes hold, the heroes set up "watchtowers" as last bastions of free people, but how did they get there? Especially the ones who aren't metahuman? There's a story there. How did Iris get separated from the Flash Family when she was in the same room with them when Anti-Life was released? There's a story there. With Lois in the Hospital and Clark doing . . . ummm . . . ok, I don't know. Superman Beyons sucked balls. Who was publishing the planet? Who was going out and gathering information about the crisis? Some teleporters and Jimmy Olsen? Pulitzer winning headline: "Earth may be boned. Gee Willickers!" There's a (lame) story there. Also being kissed by Barry Allen apparently cures Anti-life. What? The last two issues of the series are really more of a mindfuck than anything. These are where most people get their "proof" that Final Crisis sucks. The first 5 issues were good, though. They really were. What we have here is a case of a story spiralling out of a writer's and artist's and team of artists' and an entire editorial staff's grasp. It's also a case of having what is essentially a 12-issue story crammed into 7 issues. The result is half an issue of stilted dialogue trying to explain a pseudo-science which was conceived by someone whose astral sphincter has been loosened up by years of tripping balls on drugs which were probably created by someone who was, in turn, on other, different drugs. When you can't believe something can work in the DCU, something is wrong. Batman's death is something of a hot-bed. Not the fact that he died, per se. C'mon. He's human, and no human, not even Bruce Wayne, can hotbox with Darkseid. The controversial aspect is that he shoots Darkseid . . . with a gun . . . y'know? One of those things that killed his parents? The thing that he swore off ever using? Grant, buddy, I'm sorry but I can defend you only so far. Then the last issue was just a hurry to close up shop on this mess he created. Sonny Sumo, Mister Miracle, and the Super Young Team (squee!!!) were written so well and with so much depth in the opening issues, but then are discarded as though there just wasn't enough time or space to flesh out the rest of their story. Also, Aquaman returns after five years of being unseen in the DCU. This is shown in a single panel, and then not explained. The JLA is up two and down two, and now Wonder Woman is the only one of the founding seven to never have been dead.
Now, I would say that the geniuses of the world or space aliens whose brains function differently than ours might be the target audience for this story. However, that might even be too broad. Poets T. S. Elliot and Samuel Taylor Coleridge, as well as novelist James Joyce are known for saturating their works with references that no one but the author himself is supposed to understand. *Audience voice: He reads books that ain't got pictures! I don't trust his weird commie blog no more!* This might be Morrison's Ulysses. Comprehensible to none save Grant Morrison, spitting in the face of the part of the industry that prints comics to make money. This being said, it could be considered among the biggest masterpieces of the industry. It is said that true art elicits an emotion from its audience. How many superhero romps actually make you feel something? Most of my friends hated this story. However, they still have not stopped talking about it. Every week, someone mentions something about Final Crisis. I still think about the story all the time. It felt a little like a good friend who loet me down, but it really got under my skin. That, uh, skrull thing that happened around the same time has never been brought up since, but Morrison and Final Crisis are still being argued about and rationalized well into the next round of crossovers. How many other books have nested this deeply into our consciousness? Final Crisis = masterpiece. Highly recommended.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Crisis on Infinite Earths was DC's attempt to "tidy up" their continuity, by giving the big ol' axe to a nigh silly number of alternate universes. This required merging several teams, several versions of characters, and in the case of the flying whatthefuck that is Hawkman, several histories of the same character into one Earth and one timeline. All this in an effort to simplify continuity. The definitions of both "simplify" and "continuity" must have gotten mistranslated somewhere along the line. It is also important to note that although a handful of characters got "re-boot" origin stories following CoIE (and in Superman's case, a heartfelt goodbye from the master of the graphic medium, Alan Moore) most of what is considered DC history is still DC history. Thomas and Martha Wayne do not get re-shot following every continuity reset. Post-52 DC did not bother to show Krypton exploding 52 times like some sadistic kid with a copy of Titanic and the remote control so he can rewind the part where the dude falls off the boat and hits his head off the propeller accompanied by the wilhelm scream over and over and over and shut up that shit was funny and I am in no way sorry for laughing my ass off about it. What was I talking about?
Oh, right, "Krypton go boom," "mama and dada go bye bye," and "no man to be my baby's daddy so will play-doh work?" are understood and left unsaid. Long time fans don't need to be force-fed the same stories everytime DC performs the literary equivalent of getting Mario stuck inside the bricks going for level " -1" and has to hit reset or blow into their continuity cartridge or [editor's note: metaphor taken too far. Returning to "Crisis on Finite Blogs"] . . . and I said "Wrecked 'em? (rectum) damn near killed 'em! What was I talking about again?
Right, so DC has infinite Earths, has a Crisis on them, and is reduced to one Earth. ROUND! On this one Earth, Superman dies, Hal Jordan turns evil, fans go "what the hell?" Crisis time! Zero Hour comes alons, ends the universe and then re-creates the Big Bang. It also serves as an excuse for them to do a miniseries where they number the issues backwards as a huge joke on the guy who bought those issues from a used bookstore and didn't read all the promotional material and didn't think the story made any sense and . . . oh, you guys just shut the F up!
Now we have multiple Earths. "Elseworlds" and "Hypertime" become part of the vernacular, Blue Beetle bites it (Dead Kord! Get it?) OMACS attack, Thanagar goes to war - again! (imagine George Bush with Hawk wings), the Spectre drops acid and starts killing magicians like he's the visual effects revolution, villains decide to just get along, fans go "make mine Marvel!" Guess what? Crisis Time! Infinte Crisis condensed down to one Earth, followed up by 52, re-creating the multiverse with a finite number of Earths. Guess how many! Go ahead, guess!
So now Countdown was a trainwreck, the New Gods died (some multiple times in multiple contradictory ways) Gotham went to hell (or advanced to the next circle therein) all the villains went to live on a hippie commune planet bordered on three sides by Jurassic Park's older sociopathic brother, fans went "DiDio, please sit down. This is an intervention. We know you're back on the LSD again. I know this isn't easy to hear, but we prepared these letters to read to you about how we loved the DCU who was sober and didn't piss in the bed or on the graves of the people who created these beloved characters and didn't let poor Orion die in three different books in three different ways in the same month. Also, if we see you turning Jimmy Olsen into a giant turtle again, we are no longer friends." So . . . in the paraphrased words of MC Hammer, "Stop! . . . Crisis Time!" Which brings us to the end of this rant. Join us nextt ime for "Final Crisis wasn't THAT bad."
Oh, right, "Krypton go boom," "mama and dada go bye bye," and "no man to be my baby's daddy so will play-doh work?" are understood and left unsaid. Long time fans don't need to be force-fed the same stories everytime DC performs the literary equivalent of getting Mario stuck inside the bricks going for level " -1" and has to hit reset or blow into their continuity cartridge or [editor's note: metaphor taken too far. Returning to "Crisis on Finite Blogs"] . . . and I said "Wrecked 'em? (rectum) damn near killed 'em! What was I talking about again?
Right, so DC has infinite Earths, has a Crisis on them, and is reduced to one Earth. ROUND! On this one Earth, Superman dies, Hal Jordan turns evil, fans go "what the hell?" Crisis time! Zero Hour comes alons, ends the universe and then re-creates the Big Bang. It also serves as an excuse for them to do a miniseries where they number the issues backwards as a huge joke on the guy who bought those issues from a used bookstore and didn't read all the promotional material and didn't think the story made any sense and . . . oh, you guys just shut the F up!
Now we have multiple Earths. "Elseworlds" and "Hypertime" become part of the vernacular, Blue Beetle bites it (Dead Kord! Get it?) OMACS attack, Thanagar goes to war - again! (imagine George Bush with Hawk wings), the Spectre drops acid and starts killing magicians like he's the visual effects revolution, villains decide to just get along, fans go "make mine Marvel!" Guess what? Crisis Time! Infinte Crisis condensed down to one Earth, followed up by 52, re-creating the multiverse with a finite number of Earths. Guess how many! Go ahead, guess!
So now Countdown was a trainwreck, the New Gods died (some multiple times in multiple contradictory ways) Gotham went to hell (or advanced to the next circle therein) all the villains went to live on a hippie commune planet bordered on three sides by Jurassic Park's older sociopathic brother, fans went "DiDio, please sit down. This is an intervention. We know you're back on the LSD again. I know this isn't easy to hear, but we prepared these letters to read to you about how we loved the DCU who was sober and didn't piss in the bed or on the graves of the people who created these beloved characters and didn't let poor Orion die in three different books in three different ways in the same month. Also, if we see you turning Jimmy Olsen into a giant turtle again, we are no longer friends." So . . . in the paraphrased words of MC Hammer, "Stop! . . . Crisis Time!" Which brings us to the end of this rant. Join us nextt ime for "Final Crisis wasn't THAT bad."
Thursday, May 7, 2009
NOT a continuation of my crisis discussion
I know I said I'd get back to that Crisis thing in due time, but I just recently returned from seeing Star Trek and I really must say I was impressed. I'll consider this a tangent from that discussion because it leans pretty heavily on Morrison-esque definitions of a Multiverse and Hypertime, so was in fact the Enterprise's version of a Crisis proper.
I really can't play the role of a snarky reviewer today because I am in no way qualified. See, I am not a Star trek fan. At all. I only begrudgingly agreed to see this movie because it got through my bias filter. Let me explain. The first time I saw a trailer, I only began paying attention halfway through. After a mere two or three short cuts to various things exploding and a pretty girl, I audibly muttered "this movie looks amazing." Then, at the end of the trailer when it blindsided me with the logo, I followed with "You have got to be shitting me." So I was on board to see a film adaptation, pre-opening day no less, of a television show that I despised because after seeing ten episodes which all involved lizards (different lizards, mind you so it was not the same episode ten times) I determined it's the biggest piece of shit the nerd community has on its altar. This is a view I am still unwilling to rescind, citing that the movie managed to take out everything that made Star Trek lame and add in new gimmicks, technologies, and something uncannily resembling acting in order to make the film appeal to non-fans.
This is the part where, I'm afraid, I shot down my own credibility. I am not a fan. For once, I go into the advance screening of of some highly-touted nerd-vana masterpiece not as the initiated backstory-logged fanboy(girl) trying to defend his(her) franchise against the onslaught of that ugly upstart known as mass appeal. I was the newcomer, confused that there were no lizards or tribbles. With no preconceived notions of what this movie needed to be or should have contained, I had the time of my life. An hour and a half after it let out, I'm still on an adrenaline high. Longtime fans can enjoy it as an admirable reboot of the series, but don't hesitate if you are asked to go to the film. Even if you don't speak "the language" it's still a remarkably fun time.
Also, during the credits, we had a geek fight. Two groups of people argued over which blew more, Deep Space 9 or Voyager. One dude hit another dude. Seriously. I've never seen an episode of either, but my vote is for whichever one had 7 of 9 in it. God, her tits were huge.
I really can't play the role of a snarky reviewer today because I am in no way qualified. See, I am not a Star trek fan. At all. I only begrudgingly agreed to see this movie because it got through my bias filter. Let me explain. The first time I saw a trailer, I only began paying attention halfway through. After a mere two or three short cuts to various things exploding and a pretty girl, I audibly muttered "this movie looks amazing." Then, at the end of the trailer when it blindsided me with the logo, I followed with "You have got to be shitting me." So I was on board to see a film adaptation, pre-opening day no less, of a television show that I despised because after seeing ten episodes which all involved lizards (different lizards, mind you so it was not the same episode ten times) I determined it's the biggest piece of shit the nerd community has on its altar. This is a view I am still unwilling to rescind, citing that the movie managed to take out everything that made Star Trek lame and add in new gimmicks, technologies, and something uncannily resembling acting in order to make the film appeal to non-fans.
This is the part where, I'm afraid, I shot down my own credibility. I am not a fan. For once, I go into the advance screening of of some highly-touted nerd-vana masterpiece not as the initiated backstory-logged fanboy(girl) trying to defend his(her) franchise against the onslaught of that ugly upstart known as mass appeal. I was the newcomer, confused that there were no lizards or tribbles. With no preconceived notions of what this movie needed to be or should have contained, I had the time of my life. An hour and a half after it let out, I'm still on an adrenaline high. Longtime fans can enjoy it as an admirable reboot of the series, but don't hesitate if you are asked to go to the film. Even if you don't speak "the language" it's still a remarkably fun time.
Also, during the credits, we had a geek fight. Two groups of people argued over which blew more, Deep Space 9 or Voyager. One dude hit another dude. Seriously. I've never seen an episode of either, but my vote is for whichever one had 7 of 9 in it. God, her tits were huge.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)