With the arrival of Jane Austen on the scene, there was a sudden yet unanimous consensus reached within the critical fraternity that socially realistic parlor-dramas or comedies of manners are not only the most lofty standard to which all literature need be measured, but indeed the only form of writing which can be considered genuine, serious literature. Thus, with a sweep, all fantasy and genre fiction were ruled unclean, consigned to the outlying slums and ghettos past the ivory battlements of literary respectability.

Ok, enough time has passed that everybody who is going to read Ultimatum already has or knows what happens. Also, the first round of Ultimate take 2 books ahs already dropped and promo art is flooding the internet. Everyone knows who is alive and dead, but *SPOILERS!* anyway for you farkin tards. What I'm doing here is counting down the top 10 deaths in Ultimatum. A lot of critics panned the hell out of the series for selling based on shock value. Honestly there were a few points when I wondered if they were purposely playing it as a comedy. Nonetheless, this epic storyline had some appropriately epic deaths. Here are what I consider the best.

Honorable mention: Angel - killed and partially eaten by Sabretooth.
Sabretooth is a bad-ass. No question about it. He dives on angel from behind and tears his wings off, then begins chowing down on the poor boy. How is this not top 10 material? PARTIALLY eaten! Don't waste your food, Victor!

10) Juggernaut - His in the eye with poisonous dart.
How do you bring down an unstoppable force. Hit him in the one place the poison will sink in. Not only does it suck to get hit in the eye (trust me, as a professional sexual harasser, I know.) but the panel where the eye goes through ultimate Juggy's ridiculous helmet is beyond funny. I'm the dude with way too good of aim, bitch! Check out my pimp dart.

9) Magneto: Head blown off by Cyclops.
The last issue was kind of a letdown, I know. However, the death of the series' main antagonist was at least satisfying. Getting your head asploded by Cyclops's force beam isn't the most entertaining thing, but the chucks of brain and skull fragments that appear hovering in the air like a vomit-inducing, M rated Wylie Coyote cartoon really is.

8) Wasp: Eaten by Blob
Now we're talking! Wasp gets eaten by Blob, but not in the way you'd expect. And not in the dirty way either. He has her cut open at the torse like a high school dissection, chowing down on the insides. You almost expect him to have a napkin tied around his neck or to be using chopsticks (oh, wait! She isn't Asian anymore. And why not?)

7) Blob: Head bitten off by Hank Pym
After finding his wife eaten by Mr. Dukes (and presumably furious for not getting invited to Chinese buffet night) Pym grows to gargantuan proportions, picks up the Blob (immovable my ass) and bites off his head, spitting it at a nearby building. Luckily we didn't have two instances of cannibalism in a row. IF you want some more though, check out Pete Milligan's The Eaters one-shot. Good book.

6) Cyclops: Shot in the head by Quicksilver.
Ok, not so much shot. Quicksilver runs the bullet through Cyclops's head. It was in front of the Capitol, like Captain America's death (other universe) his head snapped back like Kennedy's (John, of course, because brain cancer doesn't make for interesting poses) and, most intriguingly, it shows a frightening level of power for Quicksilver. Ultimate Pietro could rival DC's Flashes with that kind of ability.

5) Hank Pym: Blown up by Madrox.
Several people were blown away by Multiple Man's suicide bombings, sure. However, few images can match the epic moment where hundreds of multiple men hang off of a sixty foot tall Pym, as he leads them away from S.H.I.E.L.D. HQ. I wonder which parts got blown up last?

4) Professor X: Neck snapped by Magneto.
In all honesty, Xavier is a douche. He compares Magneto to Bin Laden. Ouch, but Eric lets it slide. Compares him to Pol Pot: furious, naturally, but chill as the grave. Then he compares Magneto to Hitler. That was it. Lensherr, being a concentration camp survivor, killed his friend in cold blood. Where was Reagan on that list, though? He and Satan would have been the logical progression from there.

3) Doctor Doom: Head crushed by the Thing.
Not really part of the story, and none too complex either. Ben Grimm puts his hand around Doom's face and squeezes. Imagine the metal from that mask bending, crumpling into wavy little points and entering the guy's eyes and brain. Anybody hungry?

2) Wolverine: Ummm . . . wow.
Wolverine gets blasted by an optic blast, has the flesh flayed from his bones by Iron Man's repulsor rays, has his adamantium skeleton removed through his pores and then has what's left of him snuffed out by Magneto. Remember when getting ripped in half by the Hulk was the most horrible thing he endured?

1) Thor: Surrendered his soul to Valhalla.
Thor dies of his own volition, goes quietly into the night with a whimper not a bang. Simply surrenders his existence to Hela. However, it was the games Hela played with him that made this the high point of the Ultimatum series. After main squeeze valkyrie and best buddy Captain America are killed, Thor goes to the underworld to bargain for their souls. He his allowed to trade his life for both of theirs (he is the Thunder God, after all) but only after he fights his way through Undead viking zombies! Thousands of them! Where is this video game? Who wouldn't buy that? Anyway, Cap shows up for the assist and they both get the zombie genocidest achievement several times over. Then Thor surrenders his soul to save those closest to him. A truer hero there has never been.

I can't hate cyclops anymore.

Captain America and Superman are fantastic heroes. They've existed since forever and are endearing because of how iconic they are, how inspirational they are, and how interesting stories about them can be. And, if they were real, I could certainly be friends with either of them. I would love to sit down and have lunch and a long ideological conversation with either of them. I have a good friend who, given an enhanced meta-gene and some sort of gaudy costume, could easily step into the shoes of either. That being said, being on a team with them, and taking orders from them would be infuriating. I would end up either running off on my own, stepping up and taking over logistics duties myself, or start a Civil War. A third character who I would have, mere weeks ago, put in the same category as those two is the embodiment of Professor Xavier's dream for mutant-human co-existence, his first pupil (haha! lol) Cyclops. Scott really "lives" Xaviers dream moreso than even Charles himself. Taking his teacher's lessons to their fullest potential and then even building on top of that, Mr. Summers really does stand on the shoulders of proverbial giants and reaches heights that truly make him the "star" of any X-Book he's in. However, when your primary character traits are being a by-the-book boy scout, and being the "anchor" character whose job it is to get angry when the more interesting characters get out of line, it makes it easy to just end up hating him. I admit, I fell into this rut from my first foray into the X-Books and my recent history lesson of trying to re-read the title from its roots to the present day had been doing pretty much nothing to open my eyes (God, I slay me!) to the character's potential. Truthfully, in order to make him anything but Ben Stein dull, you really have to spin him somehow. Lazy writers have done so by giving hime 'tude (Whedon, I'm talking to you.) However, Grant Morrison and Warren Ellis have both really made me love this character, each in their own special way. Morrison, when he took the reigns of "New X-Men" (still my favorite run on the book in it's entire history) gave Scott an almost scary Zen-like control over any situation. I'd still go to Xavier for any kind of spiritual guidance, of course, but with a field leader like this, it's suddenly easy to see why the other X-Men would lay their lives on the line for the dream. His core traits are seen as virtues instead of neuroses. Ellis on the other hand, shoved Cyclops closer to a different archetype that surprisingly really fits him. He turned him into mutankind's Batman. After the deaths of his parents, Cyclops threw himself into the X-phhilosophy, acting as an unwavering pillar behind which his teammated can rally. He also trained his body to physical perfection. There are much more powerful mutants to have to go up against, but Cyclops is still pretty damn scary to face on the battlefield. Even if you don't consider his mutant abilities, he's an unstoppable force in hand-to-hand combat, and he gets even more frightening when you take into account that his super-trigonometry (Wikipedia, bitches, it's listed there) allows his optic blasts to hit you from damn near anywhere. Suddenly, "Slim" Summers seems deserving of his place as a top tier X-Star.

Now, I really am not a fan of Wolverine either. Scott's antithesis on the team is more in line with my way of life (do what needs to get done, and if authority hinders your ability to do so, then circumvent said authority.) The over-exposure of being in every book, on 3 X-teams and the Avengers, a solo series, and Claremont's fan-fiction-gone-wrong romp through imaginationland do nothing to help matters and pretty much take a potentially good man and make you forget why you ever liked him in the first place. And at this point I'm not sure if I'm talking about Wolverine or Claremont. However, in what I like to call the Mighty Putty Effect (moment of silence for one of my all-time heroes) Cyke and Wolvie are magically an intriguing duo when placed together. Given the opportunity to play off each other, they can pull readers in the way that neither could on his own. It's hard not to take sides (I think I already told you which one I would be) in their war of methodologies, but at the same time, you really can't disrespect either. A Cyclops solo book would still, undoubtedly, be boring as balls, but as a team player, and a team leader, Scott isn't the pusoit (pronounced: poo-swah) I once thought he was. I'm off to go apologize to anyone I ever made fun of for liking the character.

Wednesday Comics

Applause! Applause! The much vaunted series of Newspaper-esque offerings from DC Comics is now underway. Tomorrow marks the 1/3 point of the series, which many may claim is too soon to voice my opinion on this most public of forums. However, as this IS the internet, I will tell those people to bite nuts and move right along. So, wondering whether or not to go back and start grabbing the back issues of WC (if you can even find #1, that is?) I'm going to have to say nein. I will gladly stand up and give all kinds of accolades to the good folks at DC for having the balls to do something different, especially in an industry where 95% or books are lazy writers and artists are re-hashing the same stale ideas for the nineteenth time, forcing those of us who long for the creativity that got us into the obsession in the first place to cling to some mediocre or sub-par creative teams ONLY because their ideas are fresh. Not that there aren't talented minds with something different to say, but they're a rare breed. That being said, Wednesday Comics contains a lot of those aforementioned golden children. However, their genius no more shines through in these weekly one-pagers as your favorite rock band would appeal to a newcomer who heard only a twenty-second song from the group. The artists get the lions share of exposure here, since every story is on a gigantic 16" X 22" sheet of newsprint while containing only maybe half a dozen word balloons. Lee Bermajo, who draws the Superman stories gained a particularly fervent fan in yours truly because of this series, and Mike Allred puts forth some of his usual brilliance illustrating one of my favorite DC Outsiders, Metamorpho, the Element Man. ANd on the flip side, what's up with Caldwell's Wonder Woman? One, It's so hard to even follow what's going on in that story because all the people and backgrounds look like melted Velveeta finger paintings, and two, Wonder Woman has probably never been flat-chested since she was like eleven. However, talented writers such as Neil Gaiman, Brian Azzarello, Kurt Buseik, and Paul Pope suddenly seem lackluster due to the restrictions imposed by the format. Particularly distressing are venerated humorist Kyle Baker, abandoning his poignant trademark mirth for a deathly serious take on Hawkman which completely falls flat, and Watchmen illustrator Dave Gibbons' story of Kamandi the Last Boy on Earth. Gibbons wrote critically acclaimed OGN The Originals, which certainly lived up to its name as an unforgettable, well-crafted story of rock music and Mod love, then betrays me by penning something which makes Sunday morning's Prince Valiant seem like a riotous romp by comparison. Yeah, one of comics' most infallible minds plus talking animals equals something that is a step down from Prince Valiant. Slightly more exciting than a blank page or a section of a phone book, but still pretty dull. Highlights include Dan DiDio's adequate Metal Men (yes "adequate" is a highlight.) and Kerschl and Fletcher's Flash, which is actually split into two sections, one focusing on The Fastest Man with a Personality of a Cardboard Standee Alive, Barry Allen, and one focusing on the inexplicable way more interesting Iris West-Allen. My favorite story of the bunch is the orgasm-inducing team-up of Jimmy Palmiotti and Amanda Conner on Supergirl (and two-thirds of the team (sans Justin Gray (nested parentheses, cool, huh?) )responsible for the superb ongoing series Kara's Earth-2 counterpart, Power Girl.) The story focuses on Kara chasing down the super pets, Streaky and Krypto, who have run wild. Yes, a story about a cat getting the midnight crazies and chasing a plane is my MVP pick of the book. Wow. (For more awesome animal stories, check out the four-issue Lockjaw and the Pet Avengers!) My other issues (lololololol) with the book are in the format. Yeah, the huge page layouts are cool at first, but you are really only getting a little story out of them. One page per week for twleve weeks, getting snippets of fifteen different stories is like putting up with your ADHD-prone friend's ipod on a long road trip. Also, from week to week, it's hard to remember the four second snippet of time you read about in the previous issue, making the plots seem weirdly disjointed (like reading Countdown again, but I'm crying due to bad writing AND the icky feel of newsprint on my hands.) Finally, when you are done reading it, have fun folding up that road-map-sized tablet of nuisance in your hands. Not only am I 24 and reading a giant-ass oversized comic book in the doctor's office, but I look all kinds of tard-tacular (trademarked! I want a nickel for every time someone says it.) when I can't return it to my briefcase in under seven or eight minutes. Also, these are going to be a bitch to preserve, even in polypropylene. Every bit of newspaper I've ever tried to save has gone yellow. No matter what I do, they're going to deteriorate. I have some clippings under glass that probably held up better than all else, but I'm not going to frame a comic, especially not a milk toast bland one. How about this: Fifteen one-shots, each printed on twelve oversize sheets of two-fool tall glossy pages, pre-creased. Problem solved? Problem solved! You're welcome DC Nation! It's almost as if I have some sort of training in stuff like this ;) Overall, Wednesday Comics will probably disappoint. However, since we vote with our wallets, throw a couple bucks DC's way and pick up one issue just because it was an interesting experiment. Who knows? You may like it more than I did. 3/10, and an A for effort.

"Blackest Nights" of Pop Culture?

Let me explain this real quick. In honor of Blackest Night, DC's ultra-manic, all-summer-long crossover event which is shaping up to be the coolest in a long-ass time, I got the idea (Well, Joe and I got the idea) to do a Short blurb on eight video games based on DC's eight lantern corps. Barring laziness or a quick suicide after hours of madness pondering how to pluralize "corps" this will hopefully expand into a series covering TV series, movies, books, bands, etc. I add etc. so that if you want to see one of these lists for any other topic, comment a request and if it's something I'm well-versed in, I'll go ahead and do one up for you. Let's face it, I just love picking apart pretty much any topic.

Since video games was the discussion topic when this idea popped up, we'll start there. The rest of you media formats, be warned. I'm coming for you next.

Lantern Code:
Red - Rage
Orange - Avarice
Yellow - Fear
Green - Willpower
Blue - Hope
Indigo - Compassion
Violet - Love
Black - Death

Red Lantern: Stuntman
I am more furious at Stuntman than any game that has ever existed. This stunt-driving simulator takes the most zen like reflexes to even pass the games myriad over-the-top (of a bus full of children on fire) missions, let alone excel at them. Remember how Anakin Skywalker is the only human who can Podrace, due to his Jedi Relexes and insanely high midichlorian count? Well, that kid would be beyond fucked playing this game. OF all games for all systems I've ever owned in my life and played both on and off my medication, this is the one that has caused the most broken controllers (guitars excluded, because I smash those fuckers like Pete Townsend.) Atari published this game, obviously, to force everyone who still remembers the travesty that was E.T. to commit suicide out of frustration. Everyone else that it hits, that it gets to, is nothing more than collateral damage. (That line was stolen.)

Orange Lantern: Beautiful Katamari
BEst concept ever. Hands down. Roll up increasingly massive objects (and living things) in a sticky ball, and send it up in the sky. The first game was off-the-wall in a way that Grant Morrison, David Lynch, and The Residents could only dream of. The first game was ceaselessly fun, as was the second - We love Katamari. The series made it's Microsoft debut with Beautiful Katamari. Still fun? Absolutely! However, it felt like it shipped as a partial game. A depressing number of levels, and very little diversity in the "stuff" you're rolling up. This game has made seemingly no improvements on games of last generation's consoles. Well, DLC is available for 200 MS Points for each level ($2.50 for a single level) which is not too bad except that the DLC is only 384 kb of data. Suspicious yet? This means that the levels were already on the disc and you are paying for a key to unlock them. Lame, guys. Real lame. I can just picture the King of All Cosmos and his bulging crotch hugging the Orange power battery, yelling "MINE! MINE!! MINE!!!"

Sinestro: Fatal Frame 2: Crimson Butterfly
Let me start out by pointing out that the twin sisters who act as protagonists for this game look a lot like grown-up versions of the children from the grudge, and these are supposed to be the friendliest faces in the game. This game is creepy. This game will make you afraid of butterflies. This game outshines nearly any horror movie in existence. To make matters worse (or better) this game is far from your traditional survival horror. Your character is equipped with an antique camera that can exorcise ghosts. SO it is not an option to simply lob a grenade and hide, or outright run from the game's various grotesqueries, all the while attempting not to cry ( . . . um, which is what . . . my . . . girlfriend does, yeah, that's it! What my girlfriend does!) You actually must stand up, look 'em dead in the eye (sorta) occasionally zoom in, and snap, capturing that image on film, in your mind, and probably in your nightmaress forever. However, this is one game that's worth a couple dream therapy sessions.

Green Lantern: Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion
I was in a bar with my friend, Caesar, musing about how much game is actually packed into Lego Star Wars (about 30-40 hours for 100%, which is fantastic for a game aimed at children.) And he stopped my story dead by bringing up a game that we, for good reason, banned as a topic of discussion. Oblivion. "I've sunk 126 hours into one character. And I have two others." I anyone of you just laughed at that statement or felt sorry for him, you have obviously never played Oblivion. Those enlightened few of us simply shook our heads, completely understanding his predicament. Oblivion is huge. Massively huge. I cannot overstate how focused and full of will you must be to complete this game. I've barely scratched 10%, but I also watch Jeopardy every night and then leave before Final Jeopardy, because I think it's absurd to devote so much air time to one question. To anyone who has actually completed it, sidequests and all, email me a list of whatever concentration-enhancing herbal supplements you are taking, because I could use those in my everyday life. Also, for anyone wondering why this isn't WarCrack here, I discounted MMOs because, let's face it, they're glorified chat rooms with inventory screens.

Blue Lantern: Left 4 Dead 2 (maybe Left 5 Dead?)

I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I HOPE this game is at least the game its predecessor was. An improvement on it would be nice, but let's stick with an equal for now. Left 4 Dead was a game whose charm you really couldn't resist.The good people at Valve promised 2-year's worth of updates for a game with actually very little content, if you really think about it. One major update later, they announce a sequel. Now, I feel slighted for being forced to buy another game (which includes the entirety of the first one that I paid $60 for.) when Valve has, in the past, released most of their DLC for free. Where are all my new maps? New enemies? New weapons? Oh, you put 'em in a box? And I have to buy them? And I might as well eat my old disc like I ate my iphone 3G (sans "S") or my Giant Stride feat card? And I have to give a cookie to anyone who uderstood that last reference? Thanks, guys! Actually, I have enough faith in Valve that I will unquestioningly (aside from those last few questions) buy Left 5 Dead. However, for me to feel satisfied with the purchase and stop griping about my missing free DLC, this better be a shining golden example of how to do a multiplayer gore-fest.

Indigo Tribe: Final Fantasy X
While VII in the high point in the series for many individuals, this game did something that is very rarely accomplished in an industry so chock-full of games where you play as a nameless, faceless bad-ass who Puts bullets in the throats and knives in arseholes of any terrorist, robot, Skrull, clone, alien, fat mercenary, ninja, or zombie in their (notoriously single-minded) path. It made me care about the characters. I teared up at the ending (lovelife-killing) revalation of Tidus' state-of-being. I felt so bad for Yuna's predicament and her grim acceptance of her lot in life. I felt like I was struggling with Rikku through her fight to be accepted while having to pretend she was something she's not. I truly appreciated Wakka's mindset-broadening character change (and, even int he beginning of the game, felt an earnest desire to see that he got to his special ed classes safely.) I managed to peer behing Lulu's enormous, distracting breasts . . . and into her heart. I sympathized with Kimari for being ostracized by his species (although if I saw any Ronso larger than him, I would be getting the fuck out of Dodge.) And I felt terrible for Auron because his shoes must always be worn out . . . from kicking everyone's ass all the time! By the end of the game, or interactive movie, you feel like these characters are your friends.

Star Sapphire: Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty
If we were playing the age-old "desert island" game, I couldn't live without my girlfriend, my cat, a way to stream limitless quantities of music, a copy of House of Leaves and this game and a way to play it. In terms of fun as hell gameplay, I'm normally more of an old-school guy. However, new technologies bring new opportunities for video games to weave engrossing, well-written stories. In the case of Hideo Kojima's long-running, much-loved Metal Gear Series, gameplay and story are amalgamated so perfectly well that you sometimes feel like these games are proof that God wants us to be happy. This installment, in my mind, is the pinnacle of the series. With so many different ways to play through the game, rewards for "playing smart" (circumventing normal play mechanics by finding outside-the-box (or inside-the-literal-box) solutions to the game's various problems) hilariously funny moments, tear-jerking emotional scenes, and most importantly - rock solid gameplay that never drags and never feels contrived, I can say without the slightest hint of doubt that this is the greatest game I've ever played. I find something new every time I go through it, and I've talked to people who have solved certain puzzles in ways I've never thought of. Admittedly, the plot is convoluted. Final Crisis convoluted. House of Leaves convoluted. Mulholland Drive convoluted. It definitely would take two play-throughs to really "get" what's happening, but if you could play through this game once and just not pick it up again, you're obviously mentally deficient anyway.

Black Lantern: Duke Nuke 'Em Forever
It's dead. Get over it! Really! That being said, if you can't get the rights to that character (and why? does he have a movie coming out?) then just take the level and weapon designs, which I'm sure you have, right? If not, you must have spent like ten fucking years accidentally shoving your keyboards up each others' asses! Anyway, take your game, erase Duke and throw in one of the aforementioned faceless bad-asses and release it. Everybody needs a mondless shooter now and again. Remember Serious Sam? That was a fun game! A really fun game which starred a guy who looked and acted suspiciously like Duke Nuke Em and had seriously endless waves of enemies, insultingly easy puzzles, and huge guns which should be outlawed and their creators imprisoned. And I bought three different incarnations of that game. Seriously, 3D Realms, change your protagonist's name to Puke Toke Em, make him a drunk, stoned frat boy, give him alien weaponry and mail the beta to my house. I want blood and tits and monsters and ill-written one-liners and I WANT THEM NOW!!!

Not an interview with Steve Albini

I'm sitting down here with Steve Rudzinski, a driving force behind Dark Mullet Cinema and 2814 productions, creator of Deadpool: The Fan Film as well as Deadpool 2: Another Fan Movie. I have exclusive rights (term translated loosely) to conduct this interview with the man behind the mask and in front of the lens, one of the most revolutionary and monolithic filmmakers of our time, Steve Roodzinnsky, errr, something. Taking a deep breath, nervous due to the fact that he is polishing a rather large sword at the time of this interview, with a wall of weapons at his back, I swallow hard and ask my first question.

A Ball Of Pop Culture With Some Arms And Feet: So, what was the impetus for making not one, but two Deadpool fan films?

Steve Rudzinski: To answer most basically, the first one has well over 100 thousand views and STILL has a good rating. VG Spoofs didn't get that many views, so I wanted to make something that would get a lot of views again. Plus with the Wolverine movie showing the general public 'Deadpool', I felt this was the best time to make another

ABOPCWSAAF : So I take it you're a pretty big fan of the character?

SR: Definitely has been my number 1 comic book character for a very long time.

ABOPCWSAAF: Do you feel that this says something about your personal levels of sanity? Also, please put down that fish.

SR: There's a little Wade Wilson in us all, an out of control whack job that just loves to have fun. But I'd say I have a little more than others.

ABOPCWSAAF: And how do you feel about Canadian film and television actors who posted their breakthrough roles on sitcoms called "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place?"

SR: I think that Ryan Reynolds guy is dreamy. And that I miss the pizza place.

ABOPCWSAAF: Certainly a loss which has created a void in many of our hearts. How do you respond to those that say you are one of, if not THE, preeminent filmmaker of our (Eastern Standard) time?

SR: I say that they're saying the truth. As more people see my art, more will agree. And then I'll make millions.

ABOPCWSAAF: Of Deadpool fan films?

SR: What else could I be referring to? We can't depend on Fox, can we? I'd say by the 5000th, we'll get Ryan Reynolds on board.

ABOPCWSAAF: And perhaps his spouse as well. Speaking of which, the question that's on everyone's mind: Scarlett Johanssen - Yes or Mega-Yes?

SR : Sadly, I can only give a yes.

ABOPCWSAAF: We turn our discussion to comics. What are your thoughts on Dick Grayson (who we know as the original Bob, Agent of Hydra who debuted in Detective Comics #38) becoming the new Deadpool Upon Wade's disintegration by Dan Didio's Omega Beams?

SR: The thing with Dick is that he was always a fantastic side kick to Wade. Was always there in the thick and thin and was the only person sometimes to tell Deadpool when he was wrong. And in Dick's own book "Bob: Agent of Hydra: The Fallen", he really came into his own as a character. So if someone COULD replace Wade Wilson as Deadpool, it's the former "Bob". That being said, the first issue of "Deadpool & Weasel" was pretty lame.

ABOPCWSAAF: I didn't realize this would degrade into blasphemy. I happen to be a fan of Morris Grantinson. [Editor's note: Within an hour of this post, Google searches for "Morris Grantinson" have increased a thousandfold] Speaking of which, what writers in any Medium influenced your writing?

SR: Stephen Chow honestly has such a fantastic ability to take a serious story and add zany characters with fantastic humor, while still retaining a very real lesson. Also, Steve Oedekirk is insanely hilarious. Sam Raimi also (at least before Spidey 3) had an uncanny ability to make his movies great fun, no matter what they were.

ABOPCWSAAF: Albeit to a rather limited audience, are there any future projects that you want to take this time to hype? Like maybe the best concept for . . . anything ever?

SR: Big Bloody Tits.

ABOPCWSAAF: Did we hear you correctly?

SR: Yes.

SR: Horror/comedy which will hopefully start filming in Spring of 2010

ABOPCWSAAF: More news on that A-bomb of a project as it becomes available, folks. Any words of advice to . . . anyone, really?

SR: Follow your dreams even if you have to give into the cold harsh reality. Also, keep it under a million and get one named actor. Slashers sell easier than anything.

ABOPCWSAAF: One final question. Everyone has their idols, of course, but there's one powerhouse of pop culture we can all agree is adored worldwide. What was it like to work with THE Derek R0th3rmund?

SR: He talked with his hands a lot. And he demanded a lot of stuff for who I consider a no name actor. Then some guy messed with the lights, so Derek just swore at the dude. But then Christan Bale showed up and swore at Derek for swearing at the DP. It was pretty awesome.

ABOPCWSAAF: I don't care what anybody says, that guy does not own the night! Fuck him! Errr . . . I'd like to thank you for sharing your time with us tonight.

SR: Absolutely, it was a pleasure to be here.

ABOPCWSAAF: I am in no way affiliated with the nobel committee, but I will see what I can do to get you the Nobel Prizes for cooperation, and . . . hilarity, and . . . nice hair.

SR: So long as I get it for hair, I'm cool.

Wii-tarded

After sustaining a fair amount of injuries (getting punched in the face, smashing a light fixture, rolling into someone's legs and subsequently having them fall on me, etc.) I have come to the conclusion that, although mostly marketed for children and the health-obsessed adults having a mid-life crisis the only cure for which can be ridiculous technology, the Wii is serious business. And although Wii sports gives you the opportunity to feel like you are actually bowling, boxing, golfing, et. al. in your own living room, there are several other technologies that I suggest incorporating into the Wii-mote (a word, I would like to point out that spell-check didn't pick up, meaning that presumably it is in the dictionary) thereby making it the video game equivalent of a swiss army knife.

1. Microphone compatability - With the popularity of full band and karaoke games on the rise, Wii should cash in on this fad by putting a mic into the Wii-mote. Sing while dancing, like the pop radio sensations of today. Nu-Metal stomp through some awful alternative drivel while growling lyrics about your latest heartbreak. There can even be an MTV interview mini-game.

2. Motion Senstitive foot pads - Did somebody say Wii-Brawl? Slap these suckers on your feet, and fighting games just gained a new level of intensity. Cripple any dogs or children that get in your way as you roundhouse kick your opponents into submission. Destroy lamps to death while tiger-uppercutting Bison. Local co-op gets grisly as you face off against your friend and beat the hell out of him - in person and in the game. Don't wear out your foot pads from kicking everyone's ass all the time.

3. Dance pad - With both your hands and feet in the game, imagine a 3-D Dance Dance Revolution. Flail all 4 limbs around while Asians demonstrate their superiority in the digital world. Slam dance to your hearts content with such classic dance moves as the Gorilla picking up Change and the Pizza-Boy.

4. Test Dummy - Stealth kill with the greatest of ease. Using the dummy in place of your opponents, sneak up behind it and use the cord between your Wii-mote and nunchuck as garrot wire. Stab at vital organs as if it were a dagger. Perform flawless decapitations. The possibilities are limitless.

5. Jet pack - Ever noticed how the controller set up looks exactly like the controls that prototype jet packs use? Maybe a Rocketeer game? Or an Iron Man that doesn't blow dogs?

6. Light bulb attachments - Ever want the thrill of being an air-traffic controller but without the possibility of millions of lives lost? Commit Mii-Genocide by directing a plane full of the adorable bastards right into the airport terminal.

7. Wii-Phone - It already starts with an i. It's a phone, an mp3 player, and you can control your clunky-ass games with it. Need Red Steel not to suck so bad? There's . . . uhhh . . . actually there ISN'T an app for that.

Now enjoy my 2 favorite Wii-related videos.