Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Wednesday Comics
Applause! Applause! The much vaunted series of Newspaper-esque offerings from DC Comics is now underway. Tomorrow marks the 1/3 point of the series, which many may claim is too soon to voice my opinion on this most public of forums. However, as this IS the internet, I will tell those people to bite nuts and move right along. So, wondering whether or not to go back and start grabbing the back issues of WC (if you can even find #1, that is?) I'm going to have to say nein. I will gladly stand up and give all kinds of accolades to the good folks at DC for having the balls to do something different, especially in an industry where 95% or books are lazy writers and artists are re-hashing the same stale ideas for the nineteenth time, forcing those of us who long for the creativity that got us into the obsession in the first place to cling to some mediocre or sub-par creative teams ONLY because their ideas are fresh. Not that there aren't talented minds with something different to say, but they're a rare breed. That being said, Wednesday Comics contains a lot of those aforementioned golden children. However, their genius no more shines through in these weekly one-pagers as your favorite rock band would appeal to a newcomer who heard only a twenty-second song from the group. The artists get the lions share of exposure here, since every story is on a gigantic 16" X 22" sheet of newsprint while containing only maybe half a dozen word balloons. Lee Bermajo, who draws the Superman stories gained a particularly fervent fan in yours truly because of this series, and Mike Allred puts forth some of his usual brilliance illustrating one of my favorite DC Outsiders, Metamorpho, the Element Man. ANd on the flip side, what's up with Caldwell's Wonder Woman? One, It's so hard to even follow what's going on in that story because all the people and backgrounds look like melted Velveeta finger paintings, and two, Wonder Woman has probably never been flat-chested since she was like eleven. However, talented writers such as Neil Gaiman, Brian Azzarello, Kurt Buseik, and Paul Pope suddenly seem lackluster due to the restrictions imposed by the format. Particularly distressing are venerated humorist Kyle Baker, abandoning his poignant trademark mirth for a deathly serious take on Hawkman which completely falls flat, and Watchmen illustrator Dave Gibbons' story of Kamandi the Last Boy on Earth. Gibbons wrote critically acclaimed OGN The Originals, which certainly lived up to its name as an unforgettable, well-crafted story of rock music and Mod love, then betrays me by penning something which makes Sunday morning's Prince Valiant seem like a riotous romp by comparison. Yeah, one of comics' most infallible minds plus talking animals equals something that is a step down from Prince Valiant. Slightly more exciting than a blank page or a section of a phone book, but still pretty dull. Highlights include Dan DiDio's adequate Metal Men (yes "adequate" is a highlight.) and Kerschl and Fletcher's Flash, which is actually split into two sections, one focusing on The Fastest Man with a Personality of a Cardboard Standee Alive, Barry Allen, and one focusing on the inexplicable way more interesting Iris West-Allen. My favorite story of the bunch is the orgasm-inducing team-up of Jimmy Palmiotti and Amanda Conner on Supergirl (and two-thirds of the team (sans Justin Gray (nested parentheses, cool, huh?) )responsible for the superb ongoing series Kara's Earth-2 counterpart, Power Girl.) The story focuses on Kara chasing down the super pets, Streaky and Krypto, who have run wild. Yes, a story about a cat getting the midnight crazies and chasing a plane is my MVP pick of the book. Wow. (For more awesome animal stories, check out the four-issue Lockjaw and the Pet Avengers!) My other issues (lololololol) with the book are in the format. Yeah, the huge page layouts are cool at first, but you are really only getting a little story out of them. One page per week for twleve weeks, getting snippets of fifteen different stories is like putting up with your ADHD-prone friend's ipod on a long road trip. Also, from week to week, it's hard to remember the four second snippet of time you read about in the previous issue, making the plots seem weirdly disjointed (like reading Countdown again, but I'm crying due to bad writing AND the icky feel of newsprint on my hands.) Finally, when you are done reading it, have fun folding up that road-map-sized tablet of nuisance in your hands. Not only am I 24 and reading a giant-ass oversized comic book in the doctor's office, but I look all kinds of tard-tacular (trademarked! I want a nickel for every time someone says it.) when I can't return it to my briefcase in under seven or eight minutes. Also, these are going to be a bitch to preserve, even in polypropylene. Every bit of newspaper I've ever tried to save has gone yellow. No matter what I do, they're going to deteriorate. I have some clippings under glass that probably held up better than all else, but I'm not going to frame a comic, especially not a milk toast bland one. How about this: Fifteen one-shots, each printed on twelve oversize sheets of two-fool tall glossy pages, pre-creased. Problem solved? Problem solved! You're welcome DC Nation! It's almost as if I have some sort of training in stuff like this ;) Overall, Wednesday Comics will probably disappoint. However, since we vote with our wallets, throw a couple bucks DC's way and pick up one issue just because it was an interesting experiment. Who knows? You may like it more than I did. 3/10, and an A for effort.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
"Blackest Nights" of Pop Culture?
Let me explain this real quick. In honor of Blackest Night, DC's ultra-manic, all-summer-long crossover event which is shaping up to be the coolest in a long-ass time, I got the idea (Well, Joe and I got the idea) to do a Short blurb on eight video games based on DC's eight lantern corps. Barring laziness or a quick suicide after hours of madness pondering how to pluralize "corps" this will hopefully expand into a series covering TV series, movies, books, bands, etc. I add etc. so that if you want to see one of these lists for any other topic, comment a request and if it's something I'm well-versed in, I'll go ahead and do one up for you. Let's face it, I just love picking apart pretty much any topic.
Since video games was the discussion topic when this idea popped up, we'll start there. The rest of you media formats, be warned. I'm coming for you next.
Lantern Code:
Red - Rage
Orange - Avarice
Yellow - Fear
Green - Willpower
Blue - Hope
Indigo - Compassion
Violet - Love
Black - Death
Red Lantern: Stuntman
I am more furious at Stuntman than any game that has ever existed. This stunt-driving simulator takes the most zen like reflexes to even pass the games myriad over-the-top (of a bus full of children on fire) missions, let alone excel at them. Remember how Anakin Skywalker is the only human who can Podrace, due to his Jedi Relexes and insanely high midichlorian count? Well, that kid would be beyond fucked playing this game. OF all games for all systems I've ever owned in my life and played both on and off my medication, this is the one that has caused the most broken controllers (guitars excluded, because I smash those fuckers like Pete Townsend.) Atari published this game, obviously, to force everyone who still remembers the travesty that was E.T. to commit suicide out of frustration. Everyone else that it hits, that it gets to, is nothing more than collateral damage. (That line was stolen.)
Orange Lantern: Beautiful Katamari
BEst concept ever. Hands down. Roll up increasingly massive objects (and living things) in a sticky ball, and send it up in the sky. The first game was off-the-wall in a way that Grant Morrison, David Lynch, and The Residents could only dream of. The first game was ceaselessly fun, as was the second - We love Katamari. The series made it's Microsoft debut with Beautiful Katamari. Still fun? Absolutely! However, it felt like it shipped as a partial game. A depressing number of levels, and very little diversity in the "stuff" you're rolling up. This game has made seemingly no improvements on games of last generation's consoles. Well, DLC is available for 200 MS Points for each level ($2.50 for a single level) which is not too bad except that the DLC is only 384 kb of data. Suspicious yet? This means that the levels were already on the disc and you are paying for a key to unlock them. Lame, guys. Real lame. I can just picture the King of All Cosmos and his bulging crotch hugging the Orange power battery, yelling "MINE! MINE!! MINE!!!"
Sinestro: Fatal Frame 2: Crimson Butterfly
Let me start out by pointing out that the twin sisters who act as protagonists for this game look a lot like grown-up versions of the children from the grudge, and these are supposed to be the friendliest faces in the game. This game is creepy. This game will make you afraid of butterflies. This game outshines nearly any horror movie in existence. To make matters worse (or better) this game is far from your traditional survival horror. Your character is equipped with an antique camera that can exorcise ghosts. SO it is not an option to simply lob a grenade and hide, or outright run from the game's various grotesqueries, all the while attempting not to cry ( . . . um, which is what . . . my . . . girlfriend does, yeah, that's it! What my girlfriend does!) You actually must stand up, look 'em dead in the eye (sorta) occasionally zoom in, and snap, capturing that image on film, in your mind, and probably in your nightmaress forever. However, this is one game that's worth a couple dream therapy sessions.
Green Lantern: Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion
I was in a bar with my friend, Caesar, musing about how much game is actually packed into Lego Star Wars (about 30-40 hours for 100%, which is fantastic for a game aimed at children.) And he stopped my story dead by bringing up a game that we, for good reason, banned as a topic of discussion. Oblivion. "I've sunk 126 hours into one character. And I have two others." I anyone of you just laughed at that statement or felt sorry for him, you have obviously never played Oblivion. Those enlightened few of us simply shook our heads, completely understanding his predicament. Oblivion is huge. Massively huge. I cannot overstate how focused and full of will you must be to complete this game. I've barely scratched 10%, but I also watch Jeopardy every night and then leave before Final Jeopardy, because I think it's absurd to devote so much air time to one question. To anyone who has actually completed it, sidequests and all, email me a list of whatever concentration-enhancing herbal supplements you are taking, because I could use those in my everyday life. Also, for anyone wondering why this isn't WarCrack here, I discounted MMOs because, let's face it, they're glorified chat rooms with inventory screens.
Blue Lantern: Left 4 Dead 2 (maybe Left 5 Dead?)
I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I HOPE this game is at least the game its predecessor was. An improvement on it would be nice, but let's stick with an equal for now. Left 4 Dead was a game whose charm you really couldn't resist.The good people at Valve promised 2-year's worth of updates for a game with actually very little content, if you really think about it. One major update later, they announce a sequel. Now, I feel slighted for being forced to buy another game (which includes the entirety of the first one that I paid $60 for.) when Valve has, in the past, released most of their DLC for free. Where are all my new maps? New enemies? New weapons? Oh, you put 'em in a box? And I have to buy them? And I might as well eat my old disc like I ate my iphone 3G (sans "S") or my Giant Stride feat card? And I have to give a cookie to anyone who uderstood that last reference? Thanks, guys! Actually, I have enough faith in Valve that I will unquestioningly (aside from those last few questions) buy Left 5 Dead. However, for me to feel satisfied with the purchase and stop griping about my missing free DLC, this better be a shining golden example of how to do a multiplayer gore-fest.
Indigo Tribe: Final Fantasy X
While VII in the high point in the series for many individuals, this game did something that is very rarely accomplished in an industry so chock-full of games where you play as a nameless, faceless bad-ass who Puts bullets in the throats and knives in arseholes of any terrorist, robot, Skrull, clone, alien, fat mercenary, ninja, or zombie in their (notoriously single-minded) path. It made me care about the characters. I teared up at the ending (lovelife-killing) revalation of Tidus' state-of-being. I felt so bad for Yuna's predicament and her grim acceptance of her lot in life. I felt like I was struggling with Rikku through her fight to be accepted while having to pretend she was something she's not. I truly appreciated Wakka's mindset-broadening character change (and, even int he beginning of the game, felt an earnest desire to see that he got to his special ed classes safely.) I managed to peer behing Lulu's enormous, distracting breasts . . . and into her heart. I sympathized with Kimari for being ostracized by his species (although if I saw any Ronso larger than him, I would be getting the fuck out of Dodge.) And I felt terrible for Auron because his shoes must always be worn out . . . from kicking everyone's ass all the time! By the end of the game, or interactive movie, you feel like these characters are your friends.
Star Sapphire: Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty
If we were playing the age-old "desert island" game, I couldn't live without my girlfriend, my cat, a way to stream limitless quantities of music, a copy of House of Leaves and this game and a way to play it. In terms of fun as hell gameplay, I'm normally more of an old-school guy. However, new technologies bring new opportunities for video games to weave engrossing, well-written stories. In the case of Hideo Kojima's long-running, much-loved Metal Gear Series, gameplay and story are amalgamated so perfectly well that you sometimes feel like these games are proof that God wants us to be happy. This installment, in my mind, is the pinnacle of the series. With so many different ways to play through the game, rewards for "playing smart" (circumventing normal play mechanics by finding outside-the-box (or inside-the-literal-box) solutions to the game's various problems) hilariously funny moments, tear-jerking emotional scenes, and most importantly - rock solid gameplay that never drags and never feels contrived, I can say without the slightest hint of doubt that this is the greatest game I've ever played. I find something new every time I go through it, and I've talked to people who have solved certain puzzles in ways I've never thought of. Admittedly, the plot is convoluted. Final Crisis convoluted. House of Leaves convoluted. Mulholland Drive convoluted. It definitely would take two play-throughs to really "get" what's happening, but if you could play through this game once and just not pick it up again, you're obviously mentally deficient anyway.
Black Lantern: Duke Nuke 'Em Forever
It's dead. Get over it! Really! That being said, if you can't get the rights to that character (and why? does he have a movie coming out?) then just take the level and weapon designs, which I'm sure you have, right? If not, you must have spent like ten fucking years accidentally shoving your keyboards up each others' asses! Anyway, take your game, erase Duke and throw in one of the aforementioned faceless bad-asses and release it. Everybody needs a mondless shooter now and again. Remember Serious Sam? That was a fun game! A really fun game which starred a guy who looked and acted suspiciously like Duke Nuke Em and had seriously endless waves of enemies, insultingly easy puzzles, and huge guns which should be outlawed and their creators imprisoned. And I bought three different incarnations of that game. Seriously, 3D Realms, change your protagonist's name to Puke Toke Em, make him a drunk, stoned frat boy, give him alien weaponry and mail the beta to my house. I want blood and tits and monsters and ill-written one-liners and I WANT THEM NOW!!!
Since video games was the discussion topic when this idea popped up, we'll start there. The rest of you media formats, be warned. I'm coming for you next.
Lantern Code:
Red - Rage
Orange - Avarice
Yellow - Fear
Green - Willpower
Blue - Hope
Indigo - Compassion
Violet - Love
Black - Death
Red Lantern: Stuntman
I am more furious at Stuntman than any game that has ever existed. This stunt-driving simulator takes the most zen like reflexes to even pass the games myriad over-the-top (of a bus full of children on fire) missions, let alone excel at them. Remember how Anakin Skywalker is the only human who can Podrace, due to his Jedi Relexes and insanely high midichlorian count? Well, that kid would be beyond fucked playing this game. OF all games for all systems I've ever owned in my life and played both on and off my medication, this is the one that has caused the most broken controllers (guitars excluded, because I smash those fuckers like Pete Townsend.) Atari published this game, obviously, to force everyone who still remembers the travesty that was E.T. to commit suicide out of frustration. Everyone else that it hits, that it gets to, is nothing more than collateral damage. (That line was stolen.)
Orange Lantern: Beautiful Katamari
BEst concept ever. Hands down. Roll up increasingly massive objects (and living things) in a sticky ball, and send it up in the sky. The first game was off-the-wall in a way that Grant Morrison, David Lynch, and The Residents could only dream of. The first game was ceaselessly fun, as was the second - We love Katamari. The series made it's Microsoft debut with Beautiful Katamari. Still fun? Absolutely! However, it felt like it shipped as a partial game. A depressing number of levels, and very little diversity in the "stuff" you're rolling up. This game has made seemingly no improvements on games of last generation's consoles. Well, DLC is available for 200 MS Points for each level ($2.50 for a single level) which is not too bad except that the DLC is only 384 kb of data. Suspicious yet? This means that the levels were already on the disc and you are paying for a key to unlock them. Lame, guys. Real lame. I can just picture the King of All Cosmos and his bulging crotch hugging the Orange power battery, yelling "MINE! MINE!! MINE!!!"
Sinestro: Fatal Frame 2: Crimson Butterfly
Let me start out by pointing out that the twin sisters who act as protagonists for this game look a lot like grown-up versions of the children from the grudge, and these are supposed to be the friendliest faces in the game. This game is creepy. This game will make you afraid of butterflies. This game outshines nearly any horror movie in existence. To make matters worse (or better) this game is far from your traditional survival horror. Your character is equipped with an antique camera that can exorcise ghosts. SO it is not an option to simply lob a grenade and hide, or outright run from the game's various grotesqueries, all the while attempting not to cry ( . . . um, which is what . . . my . . . girlfriend does, yeah, that's it! What my girlfriend does!) You actually must stand up, look 'em dead in the eye (sorta) occasionally zoom in, and snap, capturing that image on film, in your mind, and probably in your nightmaress forever. However, this is one game that's worth a couple dream therapy sessions.
Green Lantern: Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion
I was in a bar with my friend, Caesar, musing about how much game is actually packed into Lego Star Wars (about 30-40 hours for 100%, which is fantastic for a game aimed at children.) And he stopped my story dead by bringing up a game that we, for good reason, banned as a topic of discussion. Oblivion. "I've sunk 126 hours into one character. And I have two others." I anyone of you just laughed at that statement or felt sorry for him, you have obviously never played Oblivion. Those enlightened few of us simply shook our heads, completely understanding his predicament. Oblivion is huge. Massively huge. I cannot overstate how focused and full of will you must be to complete this game. I've barely scratched 10%, but I also watch Jeopardy every night and then leave before Final Jeopardy, because I think it's absurd to devote so much air time to one question. To anyone who has actually completed it, sidequests and all, email me a list of whatever concentration-enhancing herbal supplements you are taking, because I could use those in my everyday life. Also, for anyone wondering why this isn't WarCrack here, I discounted MMOs because, let's face it, they're glorified chat rooms with inventory screens.
Blue Lantern: Left 4 Dead 2 (maybe Left 5 Dead?)
I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope, I HOPE this game is at least the game its predecessor was. An improvement on it would be nice, but let's stick with an equal for now. Left 4 Dead was a game whose charm you really couldn't resist.The good people at Valve promised 2-year's worth of updates for a game with actually very little content, if you really think about it. One major update later, they announce a sequel. Now, I feel slighted for being forced to buy another game (which includes the entirety of the first one that I paid $60 for.) when Valve has, in the past, released most of their DLC for free. Where are all my new maps? New enemies? New weapons? Oh, you put 'em in a box? And I have to buy them? And I might as well eat my old disc like I ate my iphone 3G (sans "S") or my Giant Stride feat card? And I have to give a cookie to anyone who uderstood that last reference? Thanks, guys! Actually, I have enough faith in Valve that I will unquestioningly (aside from those last few questions) buy Left 5 Dead. However, for me to feel satisfied with the purchase and stop griping about my missing free DLC, this better be a shining golden example of how to do a multiplayer gore-fest.
Indigo Tribe: Final Fantasy X
While VII in the high point in the series for many individuals, this game did something that is very rarely accomplished in an industry so chock-full of games where you play as a nameless, faceless bad-ass who Puts bullets in the throats and knives in arseholes of any terrorist, robot, Skrull, clone, alien, fat mercenary, ninja, or zombie in their (notoriously single-minded) path. It made me care about the characters. I teared up at the ending (lovelife-killing) revalation of Tidus' state-of-being. I felt so bad for Yuna's predicament and her grim acceptance of her lot in life. I felt like I was struggling with Rikku through her fight to be accepted while having to pretend she was something she's not. I truly appreciated Wakka's mindset-broadening character change (and, even int he beginning of the game, felt an earnest desire to see that he got to his special ed classes safely.) I managed to peer behing Lulu's enormous, distracting breasts . . . and into her heart. I sympathized with Kimari for being ostracized by his species (although if I saw any Ronso larger than him, I would be getting the fuck out of Dodge.) And I felt terrible for Auron because his shoes must always be worn out . . . from kicking everyone's ass all the time! By the end of the game, or interactive movie, you feel like these characters are your friends.
Star Sapphire: Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty
If we were playing the age-old "desert island" game, I couldn't live without my girlfriend, my cat, a way to stream limitless quantities of music, a copy of House of Leaves and this game and a way to play it. In terms of fun as hell gameplay, I'm normally more of an old-school guy. However, new technologies bring new opportunities for video games to weave engrossing, well-written stories. In the case of Hideo Kojima's long-running, much-loved Metal Gear Series, gameplay and story are amalgamated so perfectly well that you sometimes feel like these games are proof that God wants us to be happy. This installment, in my mind, is the pinnacle of the series. With so many different ways to play through the game, rewards for "playing smart" (circumventing normal play mechanics by finding outside-the-box (or inside-the-literal-box) solutions to the game's various problems) hilariously funny moments, tear-jerking emotional scenes, and most importantly - rock solid gameplay that never drags and never feels contrived, I can say without the slightest hint of doubt that this is the greatest game I've ever played. I find something new every time I go through it, and I've talked to people who have solved certain puzzles in ways I've never thought of. Admittedly, the plot is convoluted. Final Crisis convoluted. House of Leaves convoluted. Mulholland Drive convoluted. It definitely would take two play-throughs to really "get" what's happening, but if you could play through this game once and just not pick it up again, you're obviously mentally deficient anyway.
Black Lantern: Duke Nuke 'Em Forever
It's dead. Get over it! Really! That being said, if you can't get the rights to that character (and why? does he have a movie coming out?) then just take the level and weapon designs, which I'm sure you have, right? If not, you must have spent like ten fucking years accidentally shoving your keyboards up each others' asses! Anyway, take your game, erase Duke and throw in one of the aforementioned faceless bad-asses and release it. Everybody needs a mondless shooter now and again. Remember Serious Sam? That was a fun game! A really fun game which starred a guy who looked and acted suspiciously like Duke Nuke Em and had seriously endless waves of enemies, insultingly easy puzzles, and huge guns which should be outlawed and their creators imprisoned. And I bought three different incarnations of that game. Seriously, 3D Realms, change your protagonist's name to Puke Toke Em, make him a drunk, stoned frat boy, give him alien weaponry and mail the beta to my house. I want blood and tits and monsters and ill-written one-liners and I WANT THEM NOW!!!
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